{1620}{1663}You�re lucky, you know. {1669}{1747}l rarely allow anyone into my flat. {1756}{1840}l know, l know, l know. {1846}{1894}Humble digs. {1900}{1979}Not exactly what you�d call|a "panty peeler." {2017}{2061}Do you know what I mean? {2110}{2171}But it suits me just fine. {2177}{2266}To be honest, I rareIy spend a night|in my own bed anyway. {2307}{2346}You see, here�s my theory: {2352}{2425}For most women, if a guy�s|a good provider {2431}{2536}and generaIIy a nice chap, six-pack|abs reaIIy aren�t a deaI-breaker. {2542}{2580}On the fIip side, however, {2586}{2638}even though the PC boyfriend|sat next to you {2644}{2706}with his arm sIung around|your shouIder wiII deny it... {2720}{2838}And he wiII deny it. For us boys,|it�s aII about F.B.B. {2920}{3010}Face. Boobs. Bum. {3016}{3056}I�m just being honest. {3069}{3142}It�s been said that cIothes|speak the internationaI Ianguage. {3148}{3227}And I have to admit,|I�m a bit of a fashion whore. {3242}{3318}UnfortunateIy, today I�ve got work,|and I have to tone it down a IittIe bit, {3324}{3399}but that�s aII right. Gucci.|End-of-summer saIe. {3405}{3514}Very understated.|And I can easiIy spice it up with... {3528}{3597}What? No, no. I know|what you are thinking. {3603}{3655}If you ooze mascuIinity,|Iike some of us do, {3661}{3739}you have no reason to fear pink.|Smashing. {3773}{3856}Now, in the coIogne department,|most men overdo it. {3862}{3964}Americans practicaIIy spray it on|with a crop-duster. {3970}{4050}My ruIe: Nothing above the neck, {4056}{4139}though I do Iike a IittIe spIash|on Big Ben. {4148}{4204}You never know|where the day may take you. {4282}{4327}AImost forgot. {4346}{4379}New word for the day. {4422}{4574}��Ostentatious: The attempt|to attract attention to oneseIf. �� {4580}{4639}Who? Me? {4694}{4771}Oh, bIimey. I�m so rude.|I haven�t introduced myseIf. {4777}{4834}- I�m...|- AIfie? {4848}{4902}There you go. AIfie. {4908}{5024}Are you the IittIe eIf that Ieft these|mocha bonbons on my doorstep? {5030}{5119}No, no, no. You must have|a secret admirer, Mrs Schnitman. {5125}{5220}You are such a doII, AIfie.|But I�m supposed to be on a diet. {5226}{5250}Oh, on a diet? {5256}{5284}- A diet.|- You? {5290}{5347}- Yeah.|- Now, I don�t mean to be forward, Lu, {5353}{5445}but you shouId know by now|that a fuII-figured girI Iike yourseIf {5450}{5518}- is every guy�s secret fantasy.|- Stop it. {5523}{5583}So she�s a tub of Iard.|The ship�s aIready saiIed, {5589}{5646}so why not make her|feeI good about herseIf, right? {5652}{5695}- Oh, Lu?|- Yes, angeI? {5701}{5726}I�m working the night spot, {5731}{5792}and my apartment is a horror show,|so I�m sorry if I keep you up {5798}{5861}- with the dust-busting at 2 a. m.|- Oh, don�t you worry. {5867}{5943}- I�II give it a quick straighten.|- Oh, no, no, you don�t need to that. {5949}{6037}Nonsense.|I Iike doing things for you, AIfie. {6048}{6117}I�m a bIessed man|having you in my Iife. {6165}{6192}Thank you. {6204}{6257}Keys are in the usuaI spot. {6400}{6467}Now, back home, you�re always|hearing tales about some bloke {6473}{6548}migrating to the States and winding|up with buckets of money. {6554}{6657}So not long ago, l packed up|my bucket and headed west. {6663}{6732}Now, I must admit,|I had a second motive. {6750}{6867}I�d aIways been toId that the most|beautifuI women in the worId... {6895}{6935}...resided in Manhattan. {6941}{7021}And when it comes to shagging birds,|it�s aII about one thing: {7034}{7152}Location, Iocation, Iocation. {7158}{7225}God, l love this city.|AII right, girIs. {7242}{7343}Just look around. l mean,|every one of them, unique, special, {7349}{7394}like snowflakes. {7462}{7495}And with such a pIethora... {7510}{7611}CaIendar word meaning "abundance,"|of gorgeousness and diversity, {7617}{7714}weII, how couId a man ever choose|to settIe down with just one? {7749}{7827}I myseIf subscribe more|to the European phiIosophy of Iife. {7833}{7914}My priorities Ieaning towards|wine, women... {7920}{7971}WeII, actuaIIy, that�s about it. {7977}{8023}Wine and women. {8074}{8178}AIthough, women and women|is aIways a fun option. {8253}{8289}So... {8307}{8370}...to Iive Iife to the fuIIest, {8392}{8481}I require onIy enough|to cover my modest expenses. {8509}{8591}I�ve no desire to be the richest stiff|in the cemetery. {8835}{8917}I think this might just be my|favourite position. {8923}{8985}I know it was President Kennedy�s. {9012}{9064}He was such a great Ieader. {9070}{9127}Of course, JFK used the oId|bad-back excuse, {9133}{9207}but if you ask me, he knew|it gave you maximum pIeasure {9213}{9248}with minimum exertion. {9254}{9320}What is it about the back of a Iimo? {9427}{9480}ObIigatory cuddIing. {9493}{9538}Thousand one, {9544}{9597}thousand two... {9603}{9710}Cripes. Hey, I�ve gotta get cracking.|I�ve got a 10:00 pickup. {9716}{9842}You better hurry up.|You don�t want to keep her waiting. {9972}{10034}Quite the number, isn�t she? {10053}{10170}Yet, she teIIs me her oId man|hasn�t shagged her in six months. {10185}{10288}Six months. I mean, thank God|there are gentIemen Iike me around {10294}{10343}to pick up the sIack. {10353}{10441}Just Iook at her.|Legs Iike a racehorse. {10447}{10543}Perfect yoga bum. I give her|my highest grade: {10554}{10597}A-minus. {10845}{10894}Where did we teII the oId man|we were going tonight? {10900}{10967}- A movie.|- Treasure, pIease, no, no, no. {10973}{11043}Stop messing about.|You�II ruin my presets. {11049}{11109}- Sorry.|- What movie? {11115}{11176}I don�t know. What�s the difference? {11188}{11299}The difference is, the more detaiI|you give, the Iess interested he�II be. {11305}{11348}It wouIdn�t matter what I said. {11359}{11403}It wouId never occur to PhiI|that another man {11409}{11453}- wouId ever Iook twice at me.|- Dor, darIing, {11459}{11486}you fishing for a compIiment? {11496}{11524}No. {11530}{11639}You shouId know by now they onIy|come from me when Ieast expected. {11665}{11751}Now, come and have a mint so PhiI|doesn�t smeII the AIfie on your breath. {11757}{11820}I don�t care if he does. {11834}{11936}There�s one thing that puts me|off marriage: It�s married women. {11946}{11997}Dorie doesn�t know it yet, {12009}{12068}but you won�t be seeing|much more of her. {12074}{12137}I�ve got that aII-too-famiIiar feeIing. {12143}{12251}Sooner or Iater, she�II be wanting|a IittIe bit more than I�m abIe to give. {12284}{12340}WouIdn�t it be great if I was|going home with you tonight {12346}{12408}instead of PhiI the PiII? {12422}{12461}Yeah. {12473}{12558}lt�s definitely time|to stage a disappearing act. {12623}{12706}So next Tuesday,|same time, same pIace? {12743}{12827}I�m sorry, Iove, it�s Fashion Week.|I�m booked doubIe shifts. {12848}{12915}- I�II caII you the instant things Iet up.|- Okay. {12934}{13028}In the meantime, I Ieft you|a IittIe souvenir to remember me by. {13134}{13175}Oh, Dor? {13222}{13325}Your derri�re Iooks reaIIy rather|ravishing from this vantage point. {13391}{13426}See? {13443}{13522}A compIiment when Ieast expected. {13684}{13773}What can I say?|Happy as a pup with two taiIs. {13820}{13901}And I think I�ve done oId PhiI|a bit of a favour too. {13907}{13955}Of course, he�d be the Iast to see it. {14023}{14104}Never expect any thanks in this Iife. {14110}{14210}You know what I mean?|So Tuesday... {14259}{14307}...10:03 p.m. {14313}{14430}Do I drag myseIf home|to a coId fIat, empty fridge, {14436}{14607}or nip across town for a hot bath,|warm body, breakfast in bed? {14681}{14748}Decisions, decisions... {14948}{15033}Yeah, l think l�ll pay a visit|to my semi-regular, {15039}{15116}quasi, sort of girlfriend. {15146}{15197}My sweet Julie. {15336}{15388}Let me guess.|Unexpected Iast-minute fare. {15394}{15471}Yeah. She had me going|up and down for hours. {15477}{15564}That supposed to be funny?|Because it is so very... {15582}{15621}Not. {15641}{15678}Hey! {15702}{15757}I�m not kidding, AIfie! {15766}{15803}I�m not kidding. I hate you sometimes. {15808}{15852}You have a very ostentatious way|of showing it. {15858}{15900}Yeah, I sure do. {15950}{16072}No, darIing. Can we hit pause?|I just need a second to unwind. {16089}{16160}Oh, I nicked haIf a bottIe|of StoIi from the Iimo. {16166}{16200}How do you want yours,|on the rocks? {16206}{16268}I just want my usuaI, AIfie. Straight up. {16274}{16352}No, I�m so totaIIy knackered.|I�II make it up to you in the morning. {16358}{16410}Cross my heart. {16427}{16538}But tonight, aII I�m good for|is a bite to eat, hot bath {16544}{16594}and a nice Iong sIeep. {16921}{16975}You know, this isn�t|a HoIiday Inn, AIfie. {17007}{17047}What�s that again? {17067}{17129}Where were you tonight? ReaIIy? {17135}{17194}You�ve got to open a restaurant.|That�s seriousIy deIicious. {17200}{17268}Thanks, AIfie. It�s just chiIIi. {17295}{17328}Hey. {17353}{17423}A IittIe eye contact, pIease. {17466}{17511}We have something here, {17524}{17643}or am I just a gIorified booty caII? {17661}{17695}Hey. {17767}{17801}Hey. {17872}{17918}Here�s what she�s reaIIy saying: {17924}{18022}She wants me to commit.|TransIation: Become ��domestified. �� {18028}{18155}Now, it doesn�t do to become|dependent on anybody in this Iife. {18238}{18324}Change your nature,|you�re a dead man. {18365}{18412}ChiIIi, pIease. {18537}{18611}Don�t get me wrong.|She�s adorabIe. {18617}{18704}Cute? AbsoIuteIy.|But is it ever enough? {18755}{18831}I toId you how we men are.|We want showstoppers. {18840}{18905}And the probIem is,|JuIie hasn�t got enough {18910}{18975}of the superficiaI things|that reaIIy matter. {19056}{19142}- I don�t deserve you.|- Yeah, that�s probabIy true. {19170}{19231}Too bad I Iove you. {19278}{19321}Thanks, babe. {19327}{19404}- AIfie, AIfie...|- What? {19425}{19490}You�re giving me the "Thanks, babe." {19503}{19554}You�re giv...
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