The Drink Tank 052 (2005).pdf

The Drink Tank Issue 52

One for Every Week of the Year

Aren’t you supposed to do a cover with the covers of every other issue of the year on it for the 52nd

issue of the year? I dunno. This is the 52nd issue of The Drink Tank since January 31st of 2005. I feel like I

should make it the annish, even though it’s not that time, but I shan't.

If You Buy Only

One Album of

Lounge Covers

of Rock Songs...

I’m a big fan

of lounge music,

have been since the

mid-1990s, when

bands like Love

Jones, Combustible

Edison, The Cocktails, the Friends of Dean

Martin and so forth made it cool to grab a

martini and hang around at hotel bars (and

I love hotel bars). This wave sorta faded

before 2000 hit and all the computers failed,

so the thought was I’d have to live with the

CDs that I had spent far too much money on

during college.

Luckily, this turned out to be false.

You see, there was a comedian in

LA who had an idea. What if you took the

Lounge attitude, with all the booze and

soothing instrumentation, and did covers of

Rock tunes. This idea, which actually dates

back to when Frank Sinatra and his buddies

would play Vegas and do Rolling Stones and

Beatles songs between the regular numbers.

This singer took the name Richard Cheese

and his back-up band was Lounge Against

the Machine.

The irst al-

bum was released

back in 2000, and

it was simply titled

Lounge Against the

Machine. It was an

easy album to love,

mostly because it

featured such great

pieces as Rape Me

(originally by Nirva-

na), Guerrilla Radio

(by Rage Against

the Machine), and A

Limp Bizkit medley.

It was brilliant stuff.

The second

and third albums

were a bit of a dis-

appointment, with only a couple of songs

really hitting like the entire irst album did.

Those were songs like Hey Ya (originally by

OutKast).

The fourth Richard Cheese Album

came out in 2005 and it’s a blow-away

smash that is right up there with the irst.

For starters, the song choices are perfect.

Me So Horny by 2 Live Krew, You Oughta

Know by Alanis Morrissette, Let’s Get it

Started by Black-Eyed Peas, and Alice in

Chain’s Man in the Box. Those alone would

make the album worth buying, but prob-

ably the best

song that Rich-

ard Cheese has

ever covered is

Sunday Bloody

Sunday by U2.

He does is as a

Mambo, which is

brilliant enough,

but then he

throws in re-

ally bad Spanish

(such as pro-

nouncing y (usu-

ally pronounced

as ‘ee’) as y (as

in ‘why’) and then breaking into ‘Domingo Sangre

Domingo. It’s brilliant and it’s a wonderful Mam-

bo beat.

Richard Cheese has his own backing band,

who rotate all the time though using the same

names for everybody who plays the same instru-

ment. They are Gordon Brie, Buddy Gouda (who

retired and was replaced by Fred Feta), and Bob-

by Ricotta.

While I understand that there are a lot of

folks who really hate lounge music, if you’re a

fan of Equivel or Martin Denny, you’ll probably

at least enjoy the compositions, which are almost

always well-thought out. It’s fun listening if you

like the rock tunes they’re based on too. I just

keep hoping he’ll do an album of Zeppelin or

Black Sabbath covers. Now that’s an album that

would rock.

What I learned from writing my Latest Script

and John Hughes' better high school com-

edies. It’s basically a comedy in which a guy

gives a girl a gift and it comes back to him in

the most unexpected way.

I’m still working on who I’ll get for it.

John Chapman, who did the shoot with me

this week for my crazy freeway story, is one

option I’m thinking about. I’d love to work

with my pal Steve Sprinkles again, even

though he moved to LA, and there’s Mike

Flores, Sean Becker and Lon Lopez who I’ve

worked with lately and I’d love to have an-

other chance to work with. We’ll have to

see.

If anybody wants a screen credit,

lemme know and I’ll make it happen.

I’m working on a short that’ll probably be

the last one I do before I try a feature ilm.

It’s ambitious, about 20-25 minutes, full of

adult humor (like my last two ilms weren’t)

and it’s got an ending that I think will be a

laugh to all who make it through. While

I’m still working on short docs (hopefully the

Cactus Club doc will be done around the

irst of the year, and then I’ve got one that

Fanzine Fans may ind quite interesting),

I think short narrative ilms are likely out

of my system, for a while at least.

The story is pretty simple: Boy meets

girl, Boy loses Girls, Girls comes back in

unexpected form. It’s been done a thousand

times before, but this time, it’s done in a

wild way that will appeal to the crowd that

likes the Wedding Crashers/40 Year Old Vir-

gin ilms.

I made a bunch of mistakes...on pur-

pose. I throw away show don’t tell in favor

of a post-modernist narrator who is also in

the story itself. I’ve always liked stories

where the main character talks to the cam-

era, with Malcolm in the Middle and 24

Hour Party People being excellent examples.

In fact, the story is basically what would

happen is 24 Hour Party People’s sensibili-

ties crossed with Wedding Crasher’s comedy

This Saturday, I go to the city of Newark...

I don’t usually go in for wrestling

nostalgia on a big scale. I study wrestling,

I watch old tapes, I write history articles

about wrestling, but I don’t go to the Old

Timers Wrestling Shows like a lot of fans

hoping to see their old faves in the ring

again. I just don’t wanna relive those times

by having the guys go through the motions

and try when their bodies are broken down

and beat. It’s kinda sad. But...

This Saturday there’s a big show

at the Pavilion in Newark, CA that I’m all

hyped to go to. It’s not really for the old-

timers, though with the

ticket I bought, I get a

free autograph from all

of them, but because

there’s a wrestling show

only using two of the

old-time wrestlers (Greg

The Hammer Valentine

and Brutus the Barber

Beefcake teaming up

as the reunited Dream

Team) and a few young

guys who are cool.

There’s also a Lucha

Libre match! I’ll be more

excited for the dealers

tables (hopefully lots

of tapes and old pro-

grammes for sale) and

meeting some of those

strange members of

wrestling fandom. At-

tending stars (from up-

per left to right) are Rick

Martel, Jim Neidhart,

Roddy Piper, RVD, Bret

Hart, Capt. Lou Albano

and the Iron Sheik.

My Spaceship

M Lloyd (now in Moscow)

help in the collection of solar power, right?

Even if not, it still need to shine like a pair

of shoes that you’d use to look up a lady’s

dress.

Once you’ve got the exterior decoration

scheme settled, and it IS settled, one must

think of materials. I like aerogel, but they’ll

have to ind a way of making it strong

enough to hold people and stuff while still

keeping its light properties. It also happens

Chris told me about the panel he was

on about building a spaceship. G David

Nordley was on the panel, which makes me

think that it was probably a great scientiic

panel to be on for Chris, who may be the

least scientiic person on Earth. But, I got

to thinking, and here’s my thoughts about

spaceship design from a girl who has worked

as a journalist in the aeronautical sciences

as well as an ofice monkey for NASA.

First off, materials. I want something

that is shiny. Maybe it’s the Flick concept

rubbing off, but I really do think that space-

ships should be shiny and metal and pretti-

ied. It just makes sense. Now, I know there

are issues with that about heating from the

sun, but a mirror-bright inish will probably

to look really cool. For the area I’m thinking,

you’ll needed several thousand square miles

of space in the ship.

What! I hear you cry. Why would you

need several thousand square miles? Well,

it’s easy. According to Chris (and I know I’ve

seen a similar number somwhere) you need

about 1 square mile of growing space per

500 people for food requirements. You really

can’t go into space without at least 100,000

or so people. There’s a good reason for need-

ing so many people. It’s called sanity.

You need to make sure you have every

possible sexual deviation covered. The only

way people aren’t going to go all Reaver on

you is if you encourage sexual openness and

set-up lots of time for it, but you also have

to make sure that it’s the kind of sex that

people’ll want to be a part of, so you’ll have

to have all the bases covered or you’ll just

see so many people go plum crazy, so you

need a huge ship. More on that later.

would likely have to come from ish and

perhaps chickens and maybe pigs (animal

fertilizers are very useful and pigs make

excellent garbage and body disposal system).

Fruits are important, and at least a few

specialties will be essential. NO DURIAN!

There’d need to be wheat, rice, barley,

hops, and probably corn. Rice for Sake,

barley and hops for beer, wheat and corn for

whiskey. Yes, you’ll need alcohol for space

travel by large numbers of people. Peat

would also be nice to keep Irish Whiskey

alive, but alas, not possible.

One thing that is ultimately going to

decide the success of any mission is the

ability to breed a new generation, and for

that, special screenings must be done. First

-off, there need to be beautiful people on

board. The Space Babe is not just a cliche,

but a vital part of keeping any long-haul

ship alive. She’s needed because pleasing

sexual conquests must be available to keep

the guys (and a select group of girls) sane.

For 100,000 people, you’d need a ship

about 200 square miles (or a ship of 100

miles by two, or ten by twenty...well, you can

do the math) and doing it as a Ring would

be one good idea (false gravity from spin and

all that) but if it were lat, you could do cool

things. Still, a ring is probably the best idea.

Now, with 100k people aboard a ship,

you need all sorts of food options, especially

if you’re going to be there a long time. If

this is just a fast (less than ten years) trip,

you don’t need much more than the basics.

For a long haul, something that might take

generations, you’d want as many options as

possible to ill all sorts of needs. Soybeans

would be essential, and animal protein

I’m not saying

there don’t have

to be hot guys,

there certainly

have to be, but

hot chicks will

help the process.

Sex, and a variety

of sexual options,

will be the single

most important

thing for keeping

people mentally

healthy, not to

mention the

positive physical health it

will promote.

That leads us to

religion. It’s gotta exist.

There’s little way of

keeping a social order

in check without a solid

religious movement to get

behind. It’s an easy way

to keep people in order

and promote unity. But

what religion? It has to

be one that allows for

a lot of freedom, a non-

literal interpretation of

any text. A Christian sect

would be incredibly hard

to pull off, mostly due to

the restrictions on sex

for pleasure. Something

based on Heinlein could

work, but it would have

to be contained to a

certain dimension. In

fact, Buddhism offers a

lot of pluses, but a few

minuses. Islam is probably a no, though

there are sects of Islam that would do well

in that environment. Hinduism would be my

personal choice, and perhaps Jainists would

work too with the concept of little or no

property.

This brings me to the most important

thing: the way you mark time. On my ship,

there is a set time when lights go on and

lights go off. A Twelve-up, Twelve-down

system like we have (mostly) here on Earth

would be OK, though a 14 and 10 would be

more advantageous for productivity and still

allows for a sense of organization. A slow

fade starting about an hour before ‘Dark’

would be a smart idea. The seasons would

also be important. Keeping the place colder

in the “winter” and warmer in the “summer”

could also be a good plan. Though, if we

have information enough on the place where

we’re going, we should do everything we can

to simulate those conditions.

I’d also make sure there were slums

on the ship, just to keep folks striving to

work their way out of

places like that.

Oh, you thought

there would be no class

difference on a spaceship?

You thought it would be

dangerous to have haves

and have-nots. Think

again. It is only the desire

to go from one state to

another that keeps people

trying, either that, or the

fear that if you don’t so

you’re part you all die. I

much prefer the idea that

you can work your way

into fame (and in a world

of 100k, there’s room for

fame) and into a better

position. It may also lead

to riots and thefts, but it’ll

keep people trying.

So, that’s my idea

for a space ship. Get

buildin’!

The Story of My Spaceship

Mike Swan

It’s easy. It’s gotta be a giant saucer,

rotating the same direction as the Earth,

and it has to make a whirring sound when

it’s in the atmosphere. Other than that, I

don’t care what’s in or on.

Christopher J. Garcia Presents: The

Garcia Ship

I’ve thought about this a lot. While

food is the most important thing on any trip,

and I’d like to think of it like this: ish and

shellish.

I picture a spacefaring culture that

produces giant middens like my ancestors

the Ohlone did, as places to mark graves,

allow for ancestor worship, even places to

get building materials as the centuries go

by. That would also mean building ships

that were truly huge, like 100 sq. miles for

thirty thousand people.

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