REVELATIONS Transcript: Bill Hicks Live at the London Dominion Theatre FX: galloping horse's hooves CUT: the moon FX: howling wolves CUT: a Black Slab, looking rather like the Monolith from "2001". Fog clouds play across it. CUT: a white horse, carrying a masked man, who also wears a hat and cloak. The horse rears back and whinnies - the rider spurs the horse, which breaks into a gallop once more Voice Over (Bill): On December 16, 1961, the world turned upside down and inside out, and Iwas born screaming, in America. CUT: (Tower?) Bridge - the horse and rider cross the bridge, approaching the camera VO: It was the end of the American Dream, just before we lost our innocence irrevocably, and the TV Eye brought the horror of our lives into out homes for all to see. CUT: The rider dismounts upon a cobblestoned street, and leads his horse past the burning shells of televisions. FX: howling wolves VO: I was told when I grew up, I could be anything I wanted. A fireman, a policeman, a doctor. Even the President, it seemed. And for the first time in the history of mankind, somthing new called an Astronaut. But like many kids growing up on a steady diet of Westerns, I always wanted to be the cowboy hero. That lone voice in the wilderness fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it, and standing for freedom, truth and justice. CUT: the Dark Rider throws a lighted match into an oil drum full of newspapers. VO: And in my heart of hearts, Istill track the remnants of that dream, wherever I go, on my never-ending ride into the setting sun. CUT: zoom in on flames FADE: to a picture of the moon against a black background An opening appears in the black background. A figure stands in the opening, silhouetted by flames and smoke. The figure emerges, bows, and hangs his hat and cloak on a microphone stand, while the opening behind him closes and is replaced by the '2001' monolith. A silhouette appears behind him, lit in pinks and reds, which (as far as I can tell) is either meant to signify either a city, or the Ruins of Civilisation. hmm. ----------------------------------------------------------- [wild applause] You're in the right place. It's Bill. I'm living out in Los Angeles now so, you know, I like coming over here, you know, for the weather. You guys have weather. Cool. Los Angeles, every day, hot and sunny, today, hot and sunny, tomorrow, hot and, for the rest of the... hot and sunny, every single day, hot and sunny. And they love it. "Isn't great, every day, hot and sunny?" What are you, a fucking lizard? Only reptiles feel that way about this kind of weather. I'm a mammal, I can afford coats, scarves, cappuccino and rosy cheeked women. LA is the home of the pedestrian right of way law. What this law is, is if a pedestrian decides to cross the road, anywhere or any time on the road, every car has to stop and let this person cross the road. Yes, 'cos only in LA does common courtesy have to be legislated. Ha ha ha Every car has to stop. Pretty ludicrous in light of the city we're in now right, if someone steps in front of your car here, you speed up and turn your wipers on you know. "Bum ch, bum ch. Bad call brother. Rrr." "Must've had a bad day. I don't know." Stupid law. How may of y'all wondered like I did during the LA riots, when those people were pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to death. How many of y'all wondered like I did: Step on the fucking gas, man! They're on foot, you're in a truck... I think I see a way out of this! That pedestrian right of way law. People are driving home, a gang of youths stepped in front of their truck, Molotov cocktails, clubs in hand, everyone of these idiots: Screeech. (Mimes waving people across road) (Mimes being pulled out of a vehicle by the hair) I guarantee you that Reginald Denney, that truck driver. Never gonna stop again as long as he lives. Could be an old woman with a baby carriage crossing the road, he's: Urrr, urrrrr. "Not today, baby." Not a time to quit smoking kids, hahaha But I fucking did it. And yes, I miss' em. It is hard to quit smoking. Everyone of them looks real good to me right now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus, and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy right now. Wwwww. "Golly that looks tasty" Every time I'm here something weird happens. This time Bush lost. Cool. People ask me where I stood politically you know. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy. But that I believe he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth. Yeah, I'm a little.. a little to the left there, I was. I was leaning that way. Yeah you know who else is going, little Quayle boy. Little Damien. Is that guy Damien? Tell me those blank empty eyes aren't gonna glow red in the very near future. [eyes roll back in head] Stop making jokes about meee. Nrrr. I'll spell potato any fucking way I want. Nrrrr. Rioters in LA, let's nuke them. Bush was a pussy Nrr He held me back. Frightening people man. Bush tried to buy votes towards the end of the election. Goes around, you know, selling weapons to everyone, getting that military industrial complex vote happening for him. Sold 160 fighter jets to Korea and then 240 tanks to Kuwait and then goes around making speeches why he should be Commander-in-Chief because, "We still live in a dangerous world." Thanks to you, you fucker! What are you doing? Last week Kuwaitis had nothing but rocks! They're arming the fucking world man. You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well... We looked at the receipts Haar." "Ah but as soon as that cheque clears, we're going in." "What time's the bank open? 8? We're going in at 9." "We're going in for God and country and democracy and here's a foetus and he's a Hitler. Whatever you fucking need, let's go. Get motivated behind this, let's go!" Ohoh looks like Mr. Major was on the hot seat there for a second too. Little Iraqgate, little rapscallion he is. "Did we send, did I... did... I'll have to check Maggie's old calendar." What's funny about this. Every one of your papers says that you guys sold Iraq "machine tools"... which Iraq then converted into military equipment. I have news for you folks, a cannon is a machine tool. Your Orwellian language notwithstanding, it's a fucking machine, it's a tool. Our papers in the States have the same thing. We sold Iraq "farming equipment" which Iraq then "converted". How do they do this? "Simsalabim simsalabim aa salabim sim sim sim salabim." Wow! It was a chicken coop, it's now a nuclear reactor!" "This war's for Aladdin." Farming equipment which they converted into military, okay, you got me I'm curious, exactly what kind of farming equipment is this? "Oh okay, well it's stuff for the farmers of Iraq." Yeah? What? "Ooh okay, ar well ooh one of the things we gave them was for the little farmer, a new thing we came up with called er the er, flame-throwing rake." "No it was for the farmer, see. He would rake the leaves and then just turn around Boooo." "But you know what the Iraqis did with that?" There's no trees in Iraq, what are you sending them rakes for, you asshole? "We could have done our research better perhaps yes." What else did you sell 'em? "Okay er one of the other things we gave 'em was a new thing... for the farmer." "The, er, armoured tractor." "No, see, farmers when they farm look over their shoulders at times and they won't see a tree and they'll hit it maybe and there'll be a wasps nest in the tree and the wasps will come in and sting 'em." "So we put four inches of armour all over the tractor. And a turret to shoot pesticides on the wasps." "Yeah but you know what the Iraqis did with that?" "Can't trust 'em." I'm so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries then we go and blow the shit out of em. We're like the bullies of the world, you know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane... Throwing the pistol at the sheep herder's feet: "Pick it up." "I don't wanna pick it up mister, you'll shoot me." "Pick up the gun". "Mister, I don't want no trouble huh. I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble mister." "Pick up the gun." Boom bom "You all saw him. He had a gun." Kennedy, I love talking about the Kennedy assassination because to me it's a great example of, er, a totalitarian government's ability to, you know, manage information and thus keep us in the dark any way they... Oh sorry wrong meeting... Ah shit. That's the meeting we're having tomorrow at the docks. [winks] I love talking about Kennedy. I was just down in Dallas, Texas. You know you can go down there and, er, to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was assassinated. And you can actually go to the sixth floor of the Schoolbook Depository. It's a museum called... 'The Assassination Museum'. I think they named that after the assassination. I can't be too sure of the chronology here but... Anyway they have the window set up to look exactly like it did on that day. And it's really accurate, you know, cos Oswald's not in it. "Yeah, yeah so wow that's cool." Painstaking accuracy, you know. It's true, it's called the 'Sniper's Nest'. It's glassed in, it's got he boxes sitting there. You can't actually get to the window as such but the reason they did that of course, they didn't want thousands of American tourists getting there each year going [Mimes looking out of window] "No fucking way! I can't even see the road. Shit they're lying to us. Fuck! Where are t...
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