Seinfeld - 310 - The Stranded.rtf

Episode 27 - The Stranded
pc: 209, season 3, episode 10
Broadcast date: November 27, 1991

Written By Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld and Matt Goldman
Directed By Tom Cherones

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The Cast
Regulars:
Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards ................. Kramer

Guest Stars:

Michael Chiklis ..................... Steve
Teri Austin ............................ Ava
Bobbi Jo Lathan ................... Patti
Gwen Shepherd ................... Cashier
Dwayne Kennedy ............... Frank
Marcia Firesten  ................... Jenny
Michael Milhoan .................. Security Guard
John Putch ............................ Roy
Melissa Weil ......................... Gwen
Ellen Ratner ......................... Ellen
Frank Piazza ........................ Cop

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[Opening monologue]

So I was in the drug store the other day, trying to get a cold medication.  You ever try and pick one of these out?  It's not easy.  It's a wall.  It's an entire wall of cold medication, you stand there, you're going, "Alright, alright, alright, okay, what the hell--  This is quick acting, but this is long lasting.  When do I need to feel good, now or later?"  It's a tough question. And they always show you the commercials on TV where they show you what's wrong with the guy, you know?  They always show you, like, all the problems that he's having.  First of all, the always show you the human body, which is usually this guy.  No face, mouth open, this is how drug companies see the public.  And he's always in, like, a certain pain, it's like red wavy lines are going through him or he's glowing, parts of him are on fire sometimes, lightning is attacking him. I never had a doctor say to me, "Are you having any pain?"  "Yes I am."  "Are you having any lightning with the pain?"


[Jerry and George are in a drug store.]

JERRY:  How did you get fleas?

GEORGE:  Because my cousin's imbecile dog was rolling around outside and they got in his carpet.

JERRY:  Maybe you can get yourself a little bowtie flea collar.

GEORGE:  That's not funny.  So, are you coming to the party?

JERRY:  I'd go, but Long Island, it's so far out, it smacks of desperation.  The whole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me, "You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?"

GEORGE:  You know Ava's gonna be there.

JERRY:  Who?

GEORGE:  The nice one that works in my office.

JERRY:  Nah.

GEORGE:  I'll drive.

JERRY:  Oh, well, now you're talking.

GEORGE:  It's supposed to be a good party.

JERRY:  What does that mean, good dip?

GEORGE:  No, there'll be girls there.

JERRY:  There's girls everywhere.  I go out of my apartment, there's girls in the elevator.  They're in cafeterias, subways, so what?

GEORGE:  There's a hundred different things here.  What's the difference between these two?  (They each grab a box and check the ingredients)  You got propylparabin?

JERRY:  Got it.

GEORGE:  You got isobutane-30?

JERRY:  I got isobutane-20.

GEORGE:  A-ha.

JERRY:  You got  sorbitant sesquioliate?

GEORGE:  Got it.

JERRY:  I have aloe!

GEORGE:  You got aloe?  I love aloe.

JERRY:  Where do they make yours?

GEORGE:  Jersey.

JERRY:  White Plains.

(George puts down the "Jersey" box and grabs the "White Plains" box from Jerry and they go to the check out counter.  Two women are standing at the magazine rack in the background.)

JERRY:  Girls.  There's girls right here in the store.  Look, look, there's one over there.  Look, there's another one.  Soon as I walk outside there'll be girls out there.  What's the matter?

GEORGE:  I gave her a twenty, she only gave me change for a ten.

JERRY:  Are you sure?  Oh boy, here we go.

GEORGE: (to the cashier)  Excuse me, I gave you a twenty dollar bill and you only actually gave me change for a ten.

CASHIER:  You gave me a ten.

GEORGE:  I'm positive I gave you a twenty.

CASHIER:  I know what you gave me.

GEORGE:  You owe me ten dollars.

CASHIER:  Will you please step aside?  Next?

GEORGE:  Alright, let's just examine the situation for a second.  Who, in this situation, would be more likely to make a mistake?  Me, who had access to my wallet, knew exactly what was in there?  Or you--

CASHIER:  You.

GEORGE:  No, no, no, see you're not really listening.

SECURITY GUARD:  What's the problem here?

GEORGE:  No problem.  There's no problem.  She just owes me ten dollars, that's all.

CASHIER:  He's claiming short.

SECURITY GUARD:  Alright, let's just take it outside.

GEORGE:  Oh, so you don't believe me either?

SECURITY GUARD:  Come on, let's go.

GEORGE:  You haven't won.  You may think you've won, but you haven't won.  Do you know why?  It's not over.  This is not over.  I'm not forgetting what's happening here.  You have my ten dollars.  I will get it back.  Alright, don't worry.  It's not over.  I'm going now.  Good bye.  I will be back.


[George, Elaine and Jerry enter The Party and stand by the door]

ELAINE:  Well don't stand here, let's walk in, blend in, blend in.

JERRY:  No, let's survey first.  Camp here.

GEORGE: (waving:  Eva.

(A beautiful woman starts walking over.)

JERRY:  What could possess anyone to throw a party?  I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.

AVA:  So, guess who just sold 129 West 81st.

GEORGE:  Oh no you didn't.  Get out, when?

AVA:  Yesterday

GEORGE:  I don't believe it.

AVA:  Ask Mark.

GEORGE:  Mark, is this true?

(A man across the room nods.  George and Ava walk towards him.)

JERRY:  Yeah, this has got disaster written all over it.

ELAINE:  How did I ever let you talk me into this, I must have been out of my mind.

JERRY:  Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight.  In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it.

ELAINE:  How old are you?

JERRY:  Thirty-six.  What's the signal?  Howbout this?  Chicken wing?  No, no, no, I got a better one.  Head patting.

ELAINE:  Whatever you want.

(Fast forward a bit, Jerry is sitting on the couch with a stranger.)

GUY:  You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?

JERRY:  Yeah, yeah I did.

GUY:  So what do you do?

JERRY: (Patting his head:  I'm a comedian.

GUY:  Are you?  Lemme ask you something.  Where do you get your material?

JERRY: (still Patting)  I hear a voice.

GUY:  What kind of voice?

JERRY:  A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator.

GUY:  How come you keep tapping your head.

JERRY:  It's a nervous tic.  I'm on L-Dopa.

(Cut to Elaine, engaged in a conversation with another guy and patting her head.)

GUY:  On the other hand, you take a guy like George Washington Carver.  The man devoted his whole life to the peanut.  Imagine having so much passion for something.

(Cut back to Jerry and his 'guy'.)

GUY:  Ya know, people tell me I'm a funny guy.

(Cut back to Elaine and her 'guy'.  She's still tapping madly.)

GUY:  I've often wondered if he ever worked with the pecan.

ELAINE:  Yeah, me too.

GUY:  Now is that considered a nut, because I know the cashew is a legume.

(Cut to George, now talking with Jerry.)

GEORGE:  How's it going?

JERRY:  Great, how about you?

GEORGE:  I can't believe what's happening here.  She hasn't taken her hands off me all night.  She was always friendly around the office, but that was it.

JERRY:  How do you account for this?

GEORGE:  I don't know, maybe a safe fell on her head.

JERRY:  Well, she obviously liked you all along.

GEORGE:  No, I would have picked up on it.  I can always tell when a woman likes me, they always somehow let you know.  With me, they could torture me, I wouldn't tell them.  If anything I'd try to make them think I don't like them, then they think, "Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking at me, he must have something going for him."

JERRY:  Anyway, I'm ready to go.

GEORGE:  Now?

JERRY:  If not now, when?

GEORGE:  Gimme a half-hour.

JERRY:  Okay, half-hour.

(Cut to Elaine and the 'peanut guy'.  By now, she's weary from tapping.)

GUY:  Peanut brittle, peanut butter, peanut oil...

JERRY: (interrupting)  Can I talk to you for a second?

ELAINE:  Oh, excuse me.  (gets up to talk with Jerry)  What have you been doing, I've been smacking myself senseless.  People think I'm a mental patient.

JERRY:  Hey, I was dying over there.

ELAINE:  This guy's going off on the peanut.  Now pay attention.

(Fast forward a bit, a woman (Ellen) is talking to Jerry.)

ELLEN:  Yeah, I think I've seen you in a club.  You talk about a lot of everyday things, right?

JERRY:  Right.

ELLEN:  Yeah, I remember you.

(Ellen turns her back and the camera pans out to Elaine, sitting on the couch near a pretentious woman.)

WOMAN:  I wonder what happened to my fiancé.  I know he's here somewhere. Ellen?  Have you seen my fiancé?

ELLEN:  He's upstairs.

WOMAN:  Are you going upstairs?  Tell my fiancé I'm looking for him.  I havelost my fiancé, the poor baby.

ELAINE:  Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

WOMAN:  What?

ELAINE:  The dingo ate your baby!

(Cut to George and Jerry.)

JERRY:  You ready?

GEORGE:  Listen, I have a tremendous favor to ask.

JERRY:  I do favors.

GEORGE:  I think something's happening here.

JERRY:  What?

GEORGE:  I think she wants me to take her home.

JERRY:  Wow.

GEORGE:  What should I do?

JERRY:  Go!  What could you do?

GEORGE:  What about you and Elaine?

JERRY:  We'll get a ride.

GEORGE:  Are you sure?

JERRY:  We'll be fine, what did she say?

GEORGE:  She told me she wants-- (Pauses until a woman coming down the stairs passes)  She told me she wants me to make love to her.

JERRY:  What?...