How To Love A Man.pdf
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how to love a man
everything you need to know about men and relationships
Dedication
To my parents, whose love has
made this book possible
Acknowledgements
I could not have written this book without the profound teaching that I received from my friends
in the
Psychology of Vision
organisation. Particular thanks go to Chuck and Lency Spezzano,
founders of the organisation and originators of the
Triangle Relationship Model
, on which
much of this book is based. Their dedication in applying their principles and sharing these with
the people around them is truly inspiring. I must also thank Jeff & Sue Allen, Julie Wookey and
Ian Haugh for passing on so much of what they have learnt and supporting me through my own
learning. A great many people have helped me on my own healing journey - too many to men-
tion personally, but you know who you are - thank you.
The idea for the stages of a relationship originally came from Dr. Susan Campbell in her work,
The Couples Journey
.
I would like to express a special appreciation to Claire, my partner, for bringing so much love
into my life, supporting me in writing this book, and working tirelessly with me to make it more
readable and engaging.
Finally I must thank my two sons for their continual inspiration in my life - they remain my best
teachers.
Copyright
Copyright P. J. Granger 2009
All rights reserved
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how to love a man
everything you need to know about men and relationships
Chapters
About This Book
Page
1.
Love, But Not As We Know It
9
Turning everything you know about love on it’s head
2.
Big Boys Do Cry
20
Men and their emotions
3.
Hopelessly Dependent On You
28
The origins of fear, needs and low self-esteem
4.
Naughty Little Boy
45
The feelings that men hate to experience
5.
Your Hero
64
Why a man has a need for control
6.
Where Did The Love Go?
80
How a fear of emotions will eventually destroy a relationship
7.
Caught In A Trap
94
Why the relationship with our opposite sex parent is so important
8.
The Wise Women Speak
111
Communicating about the things that matter in a relationship
9.
Bringing Back The Love
124
How to become the leader in your relationship
10. Making Love
142
How to have the best sex of your life
11. Love On A Higher Plane
157
Bringing spirituality to your relationship
12. Everlasting Love
177
How to create the relationship of your dreams
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how to love a man
everything you need to know about men and relationships
About This Book
This is a book about one of the greatest challenges a woman will ever face - finding true
and lasting love with a man. It is written for women who love men and want to share their lives
with them, but feel that they have been let down, disappointed, heartbroken or betrayed by
them. It is also written for women who would simply like to understand men better so that they
can improve their relationships. I want to explain why men can drive you to distraction and why
we often struggle to love and be loved. Once you understand us better, I will show you how to
build a relationship that is full of love, joy and wonderful sex – a relationship that has great
physical, emotional and spiritual connection and grows ever stronger with time.
Unfortunately this type of relationship is rare. Nearly every woman I meet in my work as
a relationship coach has a story about lost love, heartbreak and disappointment. They speak of
how distant their men are, how disengaged they are from the family or how they bury
themselves in their work. Many of these relationships only survive through compromise or
convenience. Do you recognise any of this?
I’m sure it wasn’t always this way. At the start of your relationship I would imagine that
you were full of hope for the future. You probably had a dream of discovering true love with a
man and spending the rest of your life with him. Perhaps you found a man and fell in love, but
then something began to go wrong. Did the feelings of love fade or disappear altogether? It can
seem that the man you loved has changed forever and that the distance between you can never
be bridged.
It is true that after the early romantic phases of a relationship, men are not always easy
to love. We can struggle with commitment, hide from our emotions and distract ourselves
through work. We may become distant, irritable and emotionally unavailable. We may even
stray. For many women these are huge disappointments and our withdrawal stops the two-way
flow of love that is essential for a good relationship. Eventually the relationship will fail in
conflict or move into the deadness of two people cohabiting, but living separate lives.
Sadly, this scenario is being played out in millions of relationships around the world,
leaving a trail of human misery and suffering for this generation and the next. The divorce
statistics speak for themselves. If you are in such a relationship you may want to leave
because you feel that your situation is hopeless, and while for some this is the right decision, for
many others it would be a mistake. Your partner hasn’t changed – he is still the guy you fell in
love with and the same guy who fell in love with you. With a little understanding and a
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how to love a man
everything you need to know about men and relationships
willingness to deal with the issues that have created your problems, it is possible to rekindle and
sustain the powerful feelings of love that you had when you first met.
Relationships fail because we are unable to deal with the deep-seated fears and
insecurities that inevitably rise to the surface when two people intimately share their lives. Far
from being fatal flaws, I will show you that by looking at your relationship problems in a new
light, you will discover what it is that prevents you from becoming really close to your partner.
As you heal these insecurities and help your partner to do the same, you will build a relationship
that is full of love and connection.
A great deal has been written about romance and love from a woman’s point of view but
virtually nothing exists from the male side. There is a very good reason for this. We don’t want
you to know what we are feeling! This isn’t because we want to protect our privacy, or that
such things don’t matter to us, it’s because we a terrified of revealing our innermost fears and
insecurities. In fact, a lot of the time we are so out of touch with these feelings that we are
completely unaware that we have them. This denial of our true feelings means that few men
are able to express themselves adequately in the area of emotions or to communicate their
innermost feelings to the women in their life. It is hardly surprising that women do not
understand us. It is this lack of awareness that I would like to address in this book. It is time to
let you into the secret of what your man is
really
thinking and feeling.
To understand why men hide from their emotions and withdraw when the going gets
tough, I will take you beneath the surface veneer of these behaviours so that we can explore
the deeper levels of human consciousness – a level at which we discover fundamental
emotional and spiritual needs that are shared by men and women. I believe that we can only
find sustained happiness in our relationships by recognising our common needs and
understanding how these may be played out differently between the sexes. I shall be explaining
how our needs create our beliefs and attitudes and how in-turn these are manifested in a wide
variety of behaviours, both positive and negative. This understanding is the key to successful
relationships.
I will show that most of the problems that we see in the world today can be traced back to
unmet masculine needs and their attempts to suppress the emotional pain that these create. The
unmet needs are a direct consequence of our misunderstandings about the true nature of love and
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how to love a man
everything you need to know about men and relationships
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