The Income-tax man.pdf

what I was doing. I intended

to trap him with a deep, deep trick.

I would

tell him

all about

my own

business; and he would

naturally grow to like me so much

that he would

forget to be

his affairs before

careful, and he would

tell me

all about

The first notice that was taken of me when I 'settled down'

recently, was by a gentleman who said he was an ass e sso r , a word

that I did not understand very well. I said I had nev e r h e a rd o f his

branch of business before, but I was very glad to see hi m i n s pite

of that - would he sit down? He sat down. I did not h a ve

anything particular to say,but I felt that people who hav e arr i ve d

at the important position of keeping a hous e must be

conversational, must be easy and friendly in society. So, as I could

think

realized what I was trying to do.

I thought of saying to him, 'Sir, you little know what a clever

person you are dealing with.' But I said:

'Now

you

would

never

guess how

much

money

I made

giving talks to people this winter and last spring.'

'No - I don't believe I could, to save my life. Let me see - let

me see . About

t , Wo thousand

dollars , perhaps? But no; no, sir, I

know

you couldn't

have made so much

as that. Say seventeen

of nothing

else to say, I asked him if he was opening

his

hundred?'

'Ha! ha! I knew you couldn't

shop in our neighbourhood.

He said he was. (I did not wish to appear to know nothing, but

I had hoped he would mention what he had for sale.)

'How is trade?' I asked him. And he said, ' Fair.'

I then said we would visit his shop, and if we liked it as well as

any other, we would give him ' our business.

He said he thought we would like his place of business well

enough to use no other - he said he had never met anybody who

would

guess. I received for my talks last

spring and this winter fourteen

thousa,nd seven hundred

and fifty

dollars. What do you think of that?'

'Well, it's very surprising - that ' s a very large amount of

money. I will make a note of it. And you say even this wasn't all?'

'All! My dear sir, there was my income

from the newspaper -

the Daily Warwhoop

- for four months

- about - about - well,

what

would

you

say

about

eight

thousand

dollars,

for

go off and hunt

up another

man

in the same kind

example?'

'Say! Well, I should say I should like to see myself rolling injust

such an ocean of money . Eight thousand! I'll make a note of it.

Well, man! And in addition to all this, am I to understand

business after trading with him once.

That

sounded

rather

too

confident;

but

the

man

looked

honest enough.

I do not know how it happened exactly, but gradually we

appeared to become more friendly in our conversation, and then

everything went along very comfortably.

We talked and talked and talked - at least I did; and we

laughed and laughed and laughed - at least he did. But all the

time my mind was working

that you

had s ti ll more income?'

'Ha! ha! ha! You're only at the beginning of it. I wrote a book

- The Innocents Abroad - price three and a half to five dollars,

according to the cover. Listen to me. Look me in the eye . During

the last four months

and a half, not to mention

sales before that,

hard. I was determined

to find out all

but just simply during

the four months

and a half, we've

sold

about his business in spite of his mysterious

answers - and I was

ninety-five

thousand

copies of that book. Ninety-five

thousand!

determined

that I would get it out of hilTl without

him knowing

T hink

of it. Average four dollars a copy, perhaps. It's nearly four

small print - questions, I nuy say, formed with such wonderful

skill that the oldest and wisest man in the world couldn't

understand the meaning of most of them - questions, too, that

were designed to make a man report about four times his actual

income to stop himself telling a lie. I looked for a way out of my

troubles, but there did not appear to be any . Inquiry

hundred thousand dollars, my dear sir. I get half.'

'Good heavens! I'll write that down. Fourteen-seven-fifty -

eight - two hundred. Total, about - well, I can hardly believe it -

the total is about two hundred

and thirteen

or fourteen

thousand

dollars! Is that possible?'

'Possible! If there's any mistake, it's the other

Number

way. It's more.

covered my case generously and completely:

Two hundred

and fourteen

thousand

is my income

for this year,

if I know how to add up.'

Then the gentleman got up to go. I thought with discomfort

that perhaps I had told all these secrets for nothing, besides being

persuaded to make them a lot greater because of the stranger's

surprised cries. But no; at the last moment the gentleman handed

me a large envelope, and said that it contained everything I might

like to know about his business; and that he would be happy to

have my business - would in fact be proud to have the business of

a man with such a large income; and that he used to think there

were a number of rich men in the city, but when they came to

trade with him, he discovered that they hardly had enough to live

_ on; and that, in truth, it had been such a long, long time since he

had seen a rich man face to face , and talked with him , and

touched him with his hands, that he could hardly stop himself

from throwing his arms round me - in fact, he would be very

grateful if I would let him throw his arms round me.

This so pleased me that I did not try to stop him, but allowed

this simple-hearted

What

were your profits, during

the past year , from any trade,

business, or work, wherever

carried on?

And that inquiry was followed by 13 others of an equally

searching nature. The gentlest of them demanded information

about whether I had been a robber on the open road, or whether

I had set fire to anything, or had any other secret way of getting

money, or had received any propertY which was not mentioned

in my statement of income as stated opposite Inquiry Number 1.

It was very clear that the stranger had let me make a fool of

myself. By encouraging my pride, the stranger had persuaded me

to admit to an income of two hundred and fourteen thousand

dollars. It appeared that by law one thousand of this was free from

income tax - which was only a drop in the ocean. At the legal

rate of five per cent, I had to pay over to the Government in fax

the terrible sum of ten thousand six hundred and fifty dollars!

(I should say,at this stage, that I did not do it.)

I ' k now a very wealthy man whose house is a palace, whose

table is kingly, who spends a great deal, but a man who has no

income, as I have often noticed when looking at the list of taxes

paid by other citizens. And to him I went for advice.

He took my papers, he put on his glasses, he picked up his

pen, and suddenly - I was a very poor man. It was the neatest

thing that ever was. He did it simply by cleverly arranging the list

of allowances.

stranger to throw his arms a round

m e . And

then he went on his way.

As soon as he had gone, I opened his env e lop e . I studied the

papers carefully for four minutes. I then called th e c ook, and said:

'Hold me while I faint.'

Ah, what an evil man he was! His envelop e c o ntained nothing

in the world except a form on which to record my income for

the purpose of income tax - a long list of impolite questions

about my private affairs, filling the best part of four lon g pages of

H e w r o t e dow n m y "sta t e , n a tion a l an d c i ty t a x es" a s so much ;

m y " l os s e s by fl oo d , f ir e and s o on " a s s o m u c h ; my "lo ss es on

sa l e s o f p rop e rt y", a n d "a ni m a l s s old " , on " p ay m e nt s fo r r e nt of

h o me ", on "r e p a i rs an d i m p rove nl e nt s" as s o mu c h . H e w rot e

dow n " sa l ar y, a l r ea d y t axe d , as a n o fficer of th e Un it ed Sta t es

a rm y or o th e r s e r v i c e " a s so much . H e wro t e do w n o th e r thin gs .

He found u n b e li ev abl e amo unt s to se t ag a inst m y i ncome from

ea ch on e of th e s e a ll ow ances - e ac h and eve ryone of th e m. And

w h e n h e h a d finish e d , h e h a nded m e th e pap e r , a nd I saw

i mmedi a t e l y th a t durin g th e yea r m y in co m e , as pr o fi ts , h a d be e n

on e thou s and two hu n dred a n d fifty d o ll a rs and forty cent s .

' N ow , ' h e sa id , ' th e t h o u s a nd d o ll a rs i s f r ee f r o m t a x b y l aw.

W h a t yo u m u s t d o i s t o go a n d swea r th at t hi s inf o r m a t i on

i s tru e

a nd th en p ay t ax o n th e t wo hundr e d a nd fi ft y doll ar s . '

( Whil e h e was m a kin g t h i s s pee c h , hi s li t tl e b oy W ill i e lift e d a

t wo -doll ar no t e out o f h is p oc k e t a nd di sa pp e ared w ith it , a nd I

fe e l quit e s u re that i f m y s trange r w e nt to see th a t l i ttl e b oy

t o morro w, th e bo y would t e ll li es about hi s incom e . )

' Do yo u , ' sa id I , 'do y o u a l ways a rr a n ge

th e a ll owance s in thi s

way for yo u r ow n in come , s i r? '

' Well , o f co u rse . I f w e d i dn ' t h ave th o se 1 1 q u es ti on s u nd er th e

head in g

of a ll owa n ce s, I wou l d

b ecome

a b egga r eve r y y e a r in

o rd e r

t o s u ppo rt

thi s h a t ef ul

a nd

ev il , thi s c ru e l

a n d

t e rri b l e

gove rnnl e nt . '

This gen tl e m a n st a nd s v e ry h i gh a m o n g th e v e r y b es t o f th e

r i c h men of th e city - th e me n of mor a l va lue , of hi g h business

sta nd a rd s , of g r ea t soc i a l s t a ndin g - a nd s o I acce pt ed hi s

s u g ges ti o n . I w e nt d ow n t o th e t ax offi ce, a nd und e r t h e co ld eyes

of m y pr e v i o u s v i s ito r I s t oo d up an d s wor e t o li e a fter l i e, t r i ck

a f t e r tri ck, unt i l m y so ul w as c oate d w ith a thi ck la y er of li e s a nd

m y se l f - resp e ct was gon e fo r e v e r.

Plik z chomika:

Inne pliki z tego folderu:

Inne foldery tego chomika: