A Series Of Unfortunate Events 12 - The Penultimate Peril.pdf

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THE PENULTIMATE PERIL
A Series of Unfortunate Events Book Twelve
Lemony Snicket
 
C H A P T E R
One
Certain people have said that the world is like a calm pond, and that anytime a person does even the
smallest thing, it is as if a stone has dropped into the pond, spreading circles of ripples further and further
out, until the entire world has been changed by one tiny action. If this is true, then the book you are
reading now is the perfect thing to drop into a pond. The ripples will spread across the surface of the
pond and the world will change for the better, with one less dreadful story for people to read and one
more secret hidden at the bottom of a pond, where most people never think of looking. The miserable
tale of the Baudelaire orphans will be safe in the pond's murky depths, and you will be happier not to
read the grim story I have written, but instead to gaze at the rippling scum that rises to the top of the
world.
The Baudelaires themselves, as they rode in the back of a taxi driven by a woman they scarcely knew,
might have been happy to jump into a pond themselves, had they known what sort of story lay ahead of
them as the automobile made its way among the twisting streets of the city where the orphans had once
lived. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire gazed out of the windows of the car, marveling at how little
the city had changed since a fire destroyed their home, took the lives of their parents, and created ripples
in the Baudelaires' lives that would probably never become calm. As the taxi turned a corner, Violet saw
the market where she and her siblings had shopped for ingredients to make dinner for Count Olaf, the
 
notorious villain who had become their guardian after the fire. Even after all this time, with Olaf trying
scheme after scheme to get his hands on the enormous fortune the Baudelaire parents had left behind, the
market looked the same as the day Justice Strauss, a kindly neighbor and a judge in the High Court, had
first taken them there. Towering over the market was an enormous, shiny building that Klaus recognized
as 667 Dark Avenue, where the Baudelaires had spent some time under the care of Jerome and Esme
Squalor in an enormous penthouse apartment. It seemed to the middle Baudelaire that the building had
not changed one bit since the siblings had first discovered Esme's treacherous and romantic attachment to
Count Olaf. And Sunny Baudelaire, who was still small enough that her view out the window was
somewhat restricted, heard the rattle of a manhole cover as the taxi drove over it, and remembered the
underground passageway she and her siblings had discovered, which led from the basement of 667 Dark
Avenue to the ashen remains of their own home. Like the market and the penthouse, the mystery of this
passageway had not changed, even though the Baudelaires had discovered a secret organization known
as V.F.D. that the children believed had constructed many such passageways. Each mystery the
Baudelaires discovered only revealed another mystery, and another, and another, and several more, and
another, as if the three siblings were diving deeper and deeper into a pond, and all the while the city lay
calm on the surface, unaware of all the unfortunate events in the orphans' lives. Even now, returning to the
city that was once their home, the Baudelaire orphans had solved few of the mysteries overshadowing
them. They didn't know where they were headed, for instance, and they scarcely knew anything about
the woman driving the automobile except her name.
"You must have thousands of questions, Baudelaires," said Kit Snicket, spinning the steering wheel with
her white-gloved hands. Violet, who had adroit technical faculties-a phrase which here means "a knack
for inventing mechanical devices"-admired the automobile's purring machinery as the taxi made a sharp
turn through a large metal gate and proceeded down a curvy, narrow street lined with shrubbery "I wish
we had more time to talk, but it's already Tuesday. As it is you scarcely have time to eat your important
brunch before getting into your concierge disguises and beginning your observations as flaneurs."
"Concierge?" Violet asked.
"Flaneurs?" Klaus asked.
"Brunch?" Sunny asked.
Kit smiled, and maneuvered the taxi through another sharp turn. Two books of poetry skittered off the
passenger seat to the floor of the automobile- The Walrus and the Carpenter, and Other Poems by
Lewis Carroll, and The Waste Land by T S. Eliot. The Baudelaires had recently received a message in
code, and had used the poetry of Mr. Carroll and Mr. Eliot in order to decode the message and meet Kit
Snicket on Briny Beach, and now it seemed that perhaps Kit was still talking in riddles. "A great man
once said that right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant. Do you understand what that
means?"
Violet and Sunny turned to their brother, who was the literary expert in the family. Klaus Baudelaire had
read so many books he was practically a walking library, and had recently taken to writing important and
interesting facts in a dark blue commonplace book. "I think so," the middle Baudelaire said. "He thinks
that good people are more powerful than evil people, even if evil people appear to be winning. Is he a
member of V.F.D.?"
"You might say that," Kit said. "Certainly his message applies to our current situation. As you know, our
organization split apart some time ago, with much bitterness on both sides."
"The schism," Violet said.
 
"Yes," Kit agreed with a sigh. "The schism. V.F.D. was once a united group of volunteers, trying to
extinguish fires-both literally and figuratively. But now there are two groups of bitter enemies. Some of us
continue to extinguish fires, but others have turned to much less noble schemes."
"Olaf," Sunny said. The language skills of the youngest Baudelaire were still developing, but everyone in
the taxi knew what Sunny meant when she uttered the name of the notorious villain.
"Count Olaf is one of our enemies," Kit agreed, peering into her rearview mirror and frowning, "but there
are many, many more who are equally wicked, or perhaps even more so. If I'm not mistaken, you met
two of them in the mountains-a man with a beard, but no hair, and a woman with hair, but no beard.
There are plenty more, with all sorts of hairstyles and facial ornaments. A long time ago, of course, you
could spot members of V.F.D. by the tattoos on their ankles. But now there are so many wicked people
it is impossible to keep track of all our enemies-and all the while they are keeping track of us. In fact, we
may have some enemies behind us at this very moment."
The Baudelaires turned to look out of the rear window, and saw another taxi driving behind them at
quite a distance. Like Kit Snicket's automobile, the windows of this taxi were tinted, and so the children
could not see anything through the darkened glass.
"Why do you think there are enemies in that taxi?" Violet asked.
"A taxi will pick up anyone who signals for one," Kit said. "There are countless wicked people in the
world, so it follows that sooner or later a taxi will pick up a wicked person."
"Or a noble one," Klaus pointed out. "Our parents took a taxi to the opera one evening when their car
wouldn't start."
"I remember that evening well," Kit replied with a faint smile. "It was a performance of La Forza del
Destino. Your mother was wearing a red shawl, with long feathers along the edges.
During intermission I followed them to the snack bar and slipped them a box of poison darts before
Esme Squalor could catch me. It was difficult, but as one of my comrades likes to say, 'To be daunted by
no difficulty; to keep heart when all have lost it; to go through intrigue spotless; to forgo even ambition
when the end is gained-who can say this is not greatness?' And speaking of greatness, please hold on.
We can't allow a potential enemy to follow us to our important brunch."
When someone says that their head is spinning, they are usually using an expression which means that
they are very confused. Certainly the Baudelaires had occasion to use the expression in this way, after
listening to a person hurriedly summarizing the troubles of a splintered secret organization and quoting
various historical figures on the subject of wickedness while driving a taxi hurriedly toward some
mysterious, unexplained errands. But there are rare moments when the expression "My head isspinning"
refers to a time when one's head is actually spinning, and when Kit uttered the word "brunch," one of
these moments arrived. The steering wheel clasped firmly in her gloves, Kit turned the taxi so sharply that
it spun off the road. The children's heads-along with the rest of their bodies-spun along with the
automobile as it veered into the dense, green shrubbery on the side of the road. When the taxi hit the
shrubbery it kept spinning, and for a few seconds the siblings saw nothing but a green blur as the car spun
through the shrubbery, and heard nothing but the crackle of branches as they scraped along the sides of
the car, and felt nothing but relief that they had remembered to wear their seat belts, and then all of a
sudden the Baudelaire heads stopped spinning, and they found themselves shaky but safe in a sloping
lawn on the other side of the shrubbery, where the taxi had come to a stop. Kit turned off the engine and
 
sighed deeply, leaning her head against the steering wheel.
"I probably shouldn't do that," she said, "in my condition."
"Condition?" Sunny asked.
Kit lifted her head, and turned to fully face the Baudelaires for the first time since they had entered the
car. She had a kind face, but there were lines of worry across her brow, and it looked like she hadn't
slept properly for quite some time. Her hair was long and messy, and she had two pencils stuck into it at
odd angles. She was wearing a very elegant black coat, buttoned up all the way to her chin, but tucked
into the lapel was a flower that had seen better days, a phrase which here means "had lost most of its
petals and wilted considerably." If the Baudelaires had been asked to guess Kit's condition, they would
have said she looked like a woman who had been through much hardship, and the Baudelaires wondered
if their own hardships were equally clear in their faces and clothes. "I'm distraught," Kit said, using a word
which here means "sad and upset." She opened the door of the taxi and sighed once more. "That's my
condition. I'm distraught, and I'm pregnant." She unhooked her seat belt and stepped out of the car, and
the Baudelaires saw she had spoken the truth. Beneath her coat, her belly had a slight but definite curve,
as happens when women are expecting children. When a woman is in such a condition, it is best to avoid
strain, a word which here means "physical activity that might endanger either the woman or her future
offspring." Violet and Klaus could remember when their mother was pregnant with Sunny, and spent her
free time lounging on the largest sofa in the Baudelaire library, with their father fetching lemonade and
pumpernickel toast, or adjusting the pillows beneath her so she was comfortable. Occasionally, he would
play one of their mother's favorite pieces of music on the phonograph, and she would rise from the sofa
and dance awkwardly, holding her growing belly and making funny faces at Violet and Klaus as they
watched from the doorway, but for the most part the third Baudelaire pregnancy was spent in quiet
relaxation. The Baudelaires felt certain their mother had never spun a taxicab through shrubbery during
her pregnancy, and were sorry that Kit Snicket's condition did not allow her to avoid the strain of such
activities.
"Gather all of your things, Baudelaires," Kit said, "and if you don't mind, I'm going to ask you to carry
my things, too-just some books and papers in the front seat. One should never leave any belongings in a
taxi, because you can never be sure if you'll see them again. Please be quick about it. Our enemies are
likely to turn their taxi around and find us."
Kit turned away from the Baudelaires and began to walk quickly down the sloping lawn, while the
Baudelaires looked at one another in bewilderment.
"When we arrived at Briny Beach," Violet said, "and saw the taxi waiting for us, just like the message
said, I thought we were finally going to find answers to all of our questions. But I have more questions
now than I ever did."
"Me too," Klaus said. "What does Kit Snicket want with us?"
"What did she mean by concierge disguises?" Violet said.
"What did she mean by observations as flaneurs?" Klaus asked.
"What's so important about brunch?" Violet asked.
"How did she know we met those villains in the mountains?" Klaus asked.
 

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