BIG DICK COME QUICK - Calanthe.doc

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Summary:  Draco’s got a theory. About sex. And after much searching for the right candidate, it appears that only Harry Potter, his life long enemy, can help him test it out.
 

Big dick, come quick

by Calanthe

This story was originally plotted as a short PWP, inspired by the song of the same name by NoMeansNo. The original �end� chapter was Part Three. I decided to continue the story and inevitably, the focus changed slightly. It�s a little more than the PWP it started out as, but I am very attached to the title, and have no plans to change it to suit the mood of the overall story. Without that piece of information, you might well wonder why such an odd title is applied to it.

 

Part One

�You have absolutely no evidence on which to base your theory,� Blaise half shouted in exasperation at Draco as they strolled out of the porno cinema. �Your ridiculous theory, I should say.�

Blaise huffed in disgust and shoved his hands inelegantly into his pockets as Draco laughed at his friend�s annoyance. This was a regular topic of conversation between the two of them. In fact, Blaise would tell anyone who listened that it was fast becoming Draco�s obsession.

And if Draco was honest with himself, he�d admit it already was his obsession.

�Okay then, let�s take the film we just saw for example, shall we?� Draco reasoned. �How many men shagged how many women, do you think?� He held in a chuckle as he heard Blaise grind his teeth in irritation.

�What the fuck does that have to do with anything?� Blaise snapped out.

�Humour me for once.�

�I don�t know. Maybe six men with two women?�

Through a delighted laugh, Draco replied, �See? You were paying attention!� He turned to look at his friend�s profile as they wandered along the almost empty street. �But did you happen to notice who shot their loads first? Did you?� Draco was really teasing now.

�I�m sure you�re just dying to tell me,� Blaise ground out through barely parted lips.

Draco reached up and clapped Blaise on the back heartily before replying, �Come on, Blaise! Where�s your fight gone? You�re not making this any fun.� He was rewarded with a minute curve upwards at the corner of Blaise�s mouth. Draco knew he was winning. �It was the big cocks, Blaise. All the big cocks came the quickest. It proves my theory beyond a shadow of a doubt!�

Blaise rubbed a hand across his face before turning to look at his cock-obsessed friend and telling him, �It doesn�t prove shit, you idiot! They all had big cocks, in case you didn�t notice. And these Muggles have something called editing, you know. The film doesn�t happen in real time. It�s like messing with a memory before you view it in a Pensieve.�

�A minor detail,� Draco said, waving his hand in dismissal. �The point is, everyone might yearn for a knob of epic proportions, but when you�ve got one, you can�t hang on to your tadpole yoghurt for more than a minute or two. What�s the point of that?� Blaise made a retching sound at his crudity, but Draco shrugged it off, having warmed up nicely to his favourite topic of conversation. Your only topic of conversation, you sad fuck, his internal voice told him. Draco squashed it deep down inside before continuing, �I hardly think I need say any more. What Merlin gives with one hand, he takes with the other. Big cock? Fine. Good for you. All night shagging sessions? Hah! Fat chance. One minute wonder. Two at the outside if you wanked off first.�

Blaise grabbed Draco�s forearm and pulled him to a halt, turning him so they faced each other. Draco thought Blaise looked more sad than anything else. Placing his hands on Draco�s shoulders, Blaise leaned in close and said quietly, �I love you, Draco. You�re like a brother to me. We know everything there is to know about each other, but still you don�t trust me with this.�

Draco�s brow furrowed in confusion. �What?�

�It�s okay,� Blaise said comfortingly, raising a hand to stroke Draco�s cheek softly. �You�ve got nothing to be ashamed of. Seven inches is far bigger than average, you know.� Blaise clamped a hand on Draco�s chin to kill the blustering words about to spill out. �Why don�t you just admit you get off on the thought of taking a huge prick up your arse and be done with it, hm? Me? I like tits. Big, pendulous, soft-and-squashy girl flesh. You, on the other hand, want to bottom for men with donkey dicks. Where�s the problem with just being open about it?�

Draco�s eyes were wide open in utter shock. He wrenched his face out of Blaise�s grasp and backed away slowly. �No!� he managed in a whisper. �That�s not how it is at all! It�s a pet theory, nothing more. I�m not a pervert.�

Blaise sighed deeply and sadly. �I never said you were. Come on. I need a drink.�

The bar was half full and buzzing with a pleasant, welcoming atmosphere. They came here fairly often, not least because it was so close to Draco�s second home: The Sunset Private Members Club. Or, as Blaise preferred to call it, �The Wank Palace�. It was a regular bone of contention between them. No pun intended on the �bone� part, mind. Draco ordered their usual bottle of bubbly, and they selected a circular booth that had a good view of the rest of the room.

Of course, the conversation wound its way right back to Draco�s pet project in less than fifteen minutes. Blaise, ever the good friend, gave in and let Draco expound to his heart�s content. Blaise�s counter-argument had been the same all along: he insisted that the speed of a man�s orgasm was purely a personal reaction, depending on levels of stimulation and self control. He thought that penile footage, or lack of it, had nothing whatsoever to do with anything, and he told Draco again. For at least the fiftieth time.

The two of them were so engrossed in their heated debate that they failed to notice the barmaid tapping her foot next to their table, waiting to see if they wanted more champagne. They only turned towards her when she cleared her throat loudly.

�Ah, good!� Blaise said, rubbing his hands together briskly. �Perhaps you can help us? My friend and I are conducting some research and we need to find a man with, how shall I say�a larger than average appendage, to test our theory.� The barmaid crossed her arms tightly and her expression gave out the message, Great. Another bunch of nutters. Just what I needed. Blaise ploughed on regardless. �I imagine you come across many interesting and unusual people in your role,� (the woman rolled her eyes) �..and I thought you might be able to assist us in our quest.�

The petite hostess looked at both Blaise and Draco in weary disbelief. It seemed apparent from her body language that she heard many such odd requests in the course of her work. Taking a moment to consider her response, she eventually replied, �Your luck�s in. Over there.� She jerked a thumb sharply over her shoulder without looking back. �He�s got the biggest one I�ve ever had. And he swings both ways.�

Draco was disgusted when the woman aimed her last comment directly at him. Anyone�d think he exuded homosexuality! However, he did crane his neck to see around the woman, trying his hardest to catch a glimpse of his prey for the evening.

But the barmaid continued, �Just exactly what are you classifying as �larger than average�, as a matter of interest?� Blaise looked round at Draco, waiting for him to field the question. After all, it was his decision.

Draco was thoughtful for a second before replying, �Well, �average�, I understand, is around five and a half inches.� He shuddered theatrically and murmured, �Poor souls,� before continuing, �But for the purposes of this exercise, I�d have to say seven and a half to eight inches or more.� Draco raised his eyebrows and sat back, arms folded, as he looked up at the barmaid in unspoken challenge.

He was slightly unnerved when her mouth twitched and she let out a loud snort of laughter. �Oh yeah,� she choked out. �He�s definitely your man.� That statement just seemed to make her even more amused, because she laughed harder.

Draco heaved an irritated sigh and interrupted the woman with, �And just how big are we talking here?� He�d got an unmistakeable vibe about this. His palms were starting to sweat and the artery in his groin was doing a little tap dance against the taut fabric of his trousers.

Brushing a stray strand of hair back from her elfin face, the barmaid replied, �Well I never actually measured it, but it was definitely bigger than my wand.�

Draco and Blaise looked at each other and the beginnings of a smirk cracked Blaise�s face. Draco knew his own expression was one of barely concealed excitement. He was speechless with anticipation. He watched his friend turn to the hostess and ask smoothly, �May we see your wand, madam?� Blaise shot her his most dazzling smile, Draco noted cynically. The woman blushed rather prettily however, as she reached into her pocket and pulled her wand out, dangling it between thumb and forefinger.

Draco�s mouth went dry and his heart rate tripled as he watched the slender piece of wood swing like a pendulum between the barmaid�s fingers. He felt the burst of instantaneous sweat across his scalp.

She must have seen his excitement because she smiled coyly at Draco and said, �Nine inches, cherry wood, unicorn hair core,� before twirling the wand and depositing it back in her trousers. With a quick sway of her hips, she turned on her heel and walked away, leaving Blaise with a parting smile that left no doubt in Draco�s mind that his best friend had pulled.

Draco flopped back bonelessly against the seat, fighting for calm and madly trying to identify the person she had pointed out.

�Breathe, Draco,� came Blaise�s quiet voice in his ear. �You�re going to have a heart attack if you don�t.�

�Shit! Call that wench back!� Draco said, lurching forward in his seat in near panic. �Get her to send a bottle of champagne over to whoever it is. I can�t play guessing games at a time like this!� Draco knew he was babbling, but he couldn�t seem to stop himself. He only stopped wringing his hands when Blaise placed one of his own on top of his and clenched his fingers to prevent any more painful twisting.

�Sit back, calm yourself down, and let me sort this out,� Blaise said levelly, moving to stand. �Stay here,� he added kindly as he went in pursuit of the waitress.

Draco spent the next five minutes shuffling about in his seat, unable to get comfortable at all. A minute or two after a resigned looking Blaise returned to sit next to him, Draco watched the barmaid lift a tray with a bottle of champagne and three glasses on it from the bar and make her way over to a small table tucked back from the main thoroughfare. He perched right on the edge of his seat, desperate to find out where she was going to stop.

Through the shadows and the sparkling lights, it was difficult to make much out. She stood next to a man who had his back to the room. The man, Draco could see, was perched on a stool, leaning on his elbows on a circular table. His feet were hooked around the legs of the stool, pushing his arse out and making the mystery man�s spine curve tantalisingly.

�What the hell does that say on the back of his t-shirt?� Blaise said, barely more than a whisper.

Draco had to clear his throat before the words came out. �I believe it says, �Fudge packing, crack smoking, Satan worshipping motherfucker�,� Draco said, his voice devoid of emotion. What the hell am I doing? he asked himself anxiously.

Of course, matters only got worse as he watched the barmaid and the man share a joke about something, (Probably me, he thought acidly,) and the man uncurl himself from his seat, stand and turn around.

�Um, Draco?� said Blaise nervously. �I think you might want to reconsider this.�

�Nonsense!� he replied, sounding far more confident than he felt. �Malfoys always rise to a challenge. And I�ve told you before, this is purely research.�

But then he couldn�t talk anymore, because he was too busy watching Harry Potter walk across the room with the biggest smirk ever smirked by human or wizardkind plastered across his face. The barmaid followed a step or two behind with the tray, looking at the floor but failing to disguise her humour. Draco could see the damned woman�s shoulders shaking with laughter!

Suddenly Harry was at the table, looking down at Draco with those big, innocent eyes. Draco was frozen to the spot, eaten alive by stress and anticipation. He found he couldn�t speak.

�Malfoy. Zabini.� Harry nodded, smirk still in evidence.

�Take a seat, Potter,� Blaise said easily, waving an arm in encouragement.

The three of them were silent as the sniggering waitress poured them all a glass of champagne and left.

�Cheers!� Blaise said, lifting his glass and taking a sip. Neither Harry nor Draco moved a muscle. They sat staring across the table, each waiting for the other to speak.

Draco took in Harry�s appearance and both approved and disapproved of the changes. He had closely cropped hair above his ears and at the back of his neck. It was short enough to see the shape of his skull easily, but long enough that Draco imagined it would feel soft and silky beneath his fingers. But the hair on the top of his head remained longer, and was as unruly as it had been back in their school days. The fringe was long enough to flop down onto Harry�s cheekbones, and Draco was vaguely horrified to see that close up, the vivid green highlights that could have been a lighting trick weren�t. Potter had fucking green hair! Well, okay, green highlights, but it amounted to almost the same thing. And who were Nirvana? What the hell was with the t-shirt?

Harry�s face was more angular than it had been, the cheekbones more prominent than Draco remembered them, but in a striking, elegant way. He had turned out well. Better than well, in fact. Draco sat there, drowning in the swell of Harry�s confidence and the mischievous twinkle in his eye. Shit! Potter was hot, in a rough-and-ready, fuck-me-in-the-cloakroom kind of way. His power was palpable, and Draco was disgusted with himself when he felt the first twitch of a hard-on starting to grow.

�Susie says you�ve been looking for me.�

Draco watched Harry�s lips move, noticing everything about them in an instant.

�Not you, per se,� Blaise interjected in a firm voice. Draco and Harry both ignored him completely.

�Actually,� Draco started, �I�ve been looking for someone with a particular attribute. Susie told us you fit that criterion.� Draco hoped he sounded bored and not eager.

�Ah yes. The lovely Susie. Bit of a storyteller, that one,...