-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Producers Music: Mel Brooks Lyrics: Mel Brooks Book: Mel Brooks + Thomas Meehan Premiere: Thursday, April 19, 2001 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- OPENING NIGHT USHERETTE #1 & #2: Opening night... It's opening night! It's Max Bialystock's latest show Will it flop or will it go? The cast is taking its final bow Here comes the audience now The doors are open: they're on their way... Let's hear what they have to say! FIRST NIGHTERS: He's done it again He's done it again Max Bialystock has done it again! We can't believe it You can't conceive it... MAN FIRST NIGHTER: How'd he achieve it? FIRST NIGHTERS: It's the worst show in town! We sat there sighing Groaning and crying There's no denying It's the worst show in town! WOMEN FIRST NIGHTERS: Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss... MEN FIRST NIGHTERS: We've seen shit... FIRST NIGHTERS: But never like this! Max Bialystock has done it again! The songs were rotten The book was stinkin' What he did to Shakespeare Booth did to Lincoln! We couldn't leave faster... USHERETTE #1 & #2: What a disaster! FIRST NIGHTERS & USHERETTES: We are still in shock Who produced this shlock? That slimey, sleazy Max Bialystock What a bum!! THE KING OF BROADWAY MAX: I used to be the king, the king of old Broadway The best of ev'rything was mine to have each day I always had the biggest hits The biggest bathrooms at the Ritz My showgirls had the biggest tits! I never was the pits in any way! WORKMAN, BUM, BAG LADY: We believe you, thousands wouldn't We believe you, ev'ry word We believe you, thousands couldn't We believe each word we've heard MAX: I used to be the king... WORKMAN, BUM, BAG LADY: The King? MAX: The king of old Broadway... BLIND VIOLINIST: It's good to be the king! MAX: My praises they would sing A Ziegfeld so they'd say My shows were always filled with class The best champagnes would fill my glass My lap was filled with gorgeous ass You couldn't call me crass in any way! WORKMAN, BUM, BAG LADY, VIOLINIST, USHERETTES, NUNS, STREET CLEANER: We believe you, thousands wouldn't We believe you, ev'ry word We believe you, thousands couldn't We believe each word we've heard MAX: There was a time When I was young and gay... But straight There was a time When I was bold There was a time When each and ev'ry play I touched Would turn to gold CHORUS: There was a time He wore the finest clothes His shoes were always new Ahh! MAX: Now I wear a rented tux That's two weeks overdue! CHORUS: Poor Bialy, what a shmoozer Poor Bialy, what a shame Poor Bialy, what a loser Poor Bialy, goodbye fame MAX: Rented tux... Overdue... Way overdue MAX: Such reviews! How dare they insult me in this manner? How quickly they forget. I am Max Bialystock! The first producer ever to do summer stock in the winter! CHORUS: Once he was the king... MAX: You've heard of Theatre in the Round? You're looking at the man who invented Theatre in the Square! Nobody had a good seat! CHORUS: King of old Broadway MAX: I've spent my entire life in the theater. I was a protege of the great Boris Tomaschevski. CHORUS: Ooh! MAX: Yes. He taught me everything I know. I'll never forget, he turned to me on his deathbed and said, "Maxella, alle menschen muss zu machen, jeden tug a gentzen kachen!" NUN #1: What does that mean? MAX: Who knows? I don't speak Yiddish. Strangely enough, neither did he. But in my heart I knew what he was saying. He was saying, when you're down and out, and everybody thinks you're finished, that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout, "Who do you have to fuck to get a break in this town?!" CHORUS: Yay! MAX: I used to be the king The king of old Broadway Again I will be king And be on top to stay CHORUS: Used to be the king King of old Broadway On top to stay, hey! MAX: There'll be gala opening nights again You'll see my name in lights again I'll go from dark to brights again My spirits high as kites again I'll never suffer slights again I'll taste those sweet delights again No plethora of plights again No blossoming of blights again No frantic fits or frights again Fame is in my sights again I'll take those fancy flights again I'm gonna scare the heights again Bialystock will never drop Bialystock will never stop... Bialystock will be on top again CHORUS: Fame is in his sights again He'll take those fancy flights again He's gonna scale the heights again MAX: I'll be on top again, hey! CHORUS: He'll be on top again, hey! WE CAN DO IT MAX: Don't you see, Bloom. Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom. It's so simple. Step One: we find the worst play ever written. Step Two: we hire the worst director in town. Step Three: I raise two million dollars... LEO: Two? MAX: Yes! One for me, one for you. There's a lot of little old ladies out there. Step Four: We hire the worst actors in New York and open on Broadway. And before you can say Step Five, we close on Broadway, take our two million and go to Rio. LEO: Rio? Nah, that'd never work. MAX: Oh ye of little faith. What did Lewis say to Clark When everything looked bleak? What did Sir Edmund say to Tenzing As they struggled toward Everest's peak? What did Washington say to his troops As they crossed the Delaware I'm sure you're well aware... LEO: What'd they say? MAX: We can do it, we can do it We can do it, me and you We can do it, we can do it We can make our dreams come true Everything you've ever wanted Is just waiting to be had Beautiful girls, wearing nothing but pearls Caressing you, undressing you And driving you mad We can do it, we can do it This is not the time to shirk We can do it, you won't rue it Say goodbye to petty clerk Hi, producer: yes, producer I mean you, sir, go beserk! We can do it, we can do it And I know it's gonna work Whatta ye say, Bloom? LEO: What do I say Finally a chance to be a Broadway producer! What do I say? Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir! What do I say, what do I say Here's what I say to you, sir... I can't do it, I can't do it I can't do it, that's not me I'm a loser, I'm a coward I'm a chicken, don't you see? When it comes to wooing women There's a few things that I lack Beautiful girls, wearing nothing but pearls... Cashing me, embracing me I'd have an attack MAX: Why, you miserable, cowardly, wretched little caterpillar! Don't you ever want to become a butterfly? Don't you want to spread your wings and flap your way to glory? MAX: We can do it We can do it We can grab that holy grail! We can do it We can do it Drink champagne, not ginger ale Come on, Leo Can't you see-o ... LEO: Mr. Bialystock Please stop the song You've got me wrong I'll say "so long" I'm not as strong A person as you think Mr. Bialystock Just take a look I'm not a crook I'm just a shnook The bottom line Is that I stink! I...can't... Do...it! LEO: You see Rio, I see jail! MAX: We can do it! LEO: I can't do it! MAX: We can do it! LEO: I cannot, cannot, cannot 'Cause I know it's gonna fail MAX: We can do it! MAX: I know it cannot fail LEO: It's gonna fail I WANNA BE A PRODUCER THE ACCOUNTANTS: Unhappy...unhappy..very unhappy Unhappy...unhappy... Very very very very very Very very unhappy BLACK ACCOUNTANT: Oh, I debits all duh mornin' An' I credits all duh eb'nin Until dem ledgers be right LEO & THE ACCOUNTANTS: Until dem ledgers be right LEO: I spend my life accounting With figures and such THE ACCOUNTANTS: Unhappy LEO: To what is my life amounting It figures, not much THE ACCOUNTANTS: Unhappy LEO: I have a secret desire Hiding deep in my soul It sets my heart afire To see me in this role I wanna be a producer With a hit show on Broadway I wanna be a producer Lunch at Sardi's every day I wanna be a producer Sport a top hat and a cane I wanna be a producer And drive those chorus girls insane! I wanna be a producer And sleep until half-past two I wanna be a producer And say, "You, you, you, not you" I wanna be a producer Wear a tux on op'ning nights! I wanna be a producer And see my name "Leo Bloom" in lights! CHORUS GIRLS: He wants to be a producer LEO: Sell it, girls! CHORUS GIRLS: Of a great big Broadway smash LEO: Don't forget the balcony! CHORUS GIRLS: He wants to be a producer Ev'ry pocket stuffed with cash He wants to be a producer Pinch our cheeks 'til we cry CHORUS GIRL #1: Ouch! CHORUS GIRL #2: Eek! CHORUS GIRL #3: Ooh! CHORUS GIRL #4: Oh! CHORUS GIRL #5: Ahh! CHORUS GIRL #6: Yes! CHORUS GIRLS: He wants to be a producer With a great big casting couch! LEO: I wanna be... CHORUS GIRLS: He wants to be... LEO: I wanna be... CHORUS GIRLS: He wants to be... LEO: I wanna be the greatest, grandest And most fabulous producer in the world CHORUS GIRLS: He wants to be a producer He wants to dine with a duchess and a duke LEO: I just gotta be a producer Drink champagne until I puke CHORUS GIRLS: Drink champagne 'til he pukes! LEO: I wanna be a producer Show the world just what I've got I'm gonna put on shows That will enthrall 'em CHORUS GIRLS & LEO: Read my name in Winchell's column! LEO: I wanna be a producer 'Cause it's everything I'm not THE ACCOUNTANTS: Unhappy...unhappy... So unhappy LEO & THE ACCOUNTANTS: Very very very very very very very... THE ACCOUNTANTS: ...sad LEO: I wanna be a producer Hold everything! What I am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right! There is a lot more to me than there is to me! Stop the world, I wanna g...
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