[2][26]Kids, as long as I'd known |your Uncle Barney, [26][44]he'd always had some|pretty strong opinions [44][57]on relationships [57][70]Your girlfriend? [70][81]She's your girl friend?! [81][115]She's a girl|and a friend? [129][152]Don'�t humanize|the enemy, Ted. [152][166]But nice to meet you. [166][178]Barney Stinson. [178][197]And yet,|in the fall of 2009, [197][216]he was the one|with the girlfriend. [216][231]Go ahead.|Open it. [231][250]Open it! Open it!|Open it! Open it! [263][279]It's my porn collection! [279][293]Just kidding.|That would be weird. [293][312]It's your porn collection. [312][337]It's my porn collection!|I'm giving you my porn. [337][359]Now that things are|so great with Robin, [359][374]I don't need it anymore. [374][403]Wow, you are voluntarily... [403][423]giving up your porn? [423][438]You really are serious. [438][461]Yeah, well, that's obvious.|What does that mean? [461][475]Oh, nothing,|it's just, you know, [475][487]you got relationship gut. [487][528]What?! No, I do not|"got relationship gut." [528][542]That is ridiculous. [542][567]It's no big deal. I mean, once you're|dating someone, [567][587]it's natural to let|things go a little bit. [587][605]Trust me,|we've been there. [605][639]Yeah. Boy, did i |pudge you out for a while. [655][671]Well, we should get going. [671][692]Good-bye, my sweet,|beloved friends. [692][713]You have always|been there for me. [713][733]You'll be missed. [733][747]He's talking to the porn. [747][759]Oh. [759][773]Bye, Robin. See you, Robs.|Bye, guys. [773][800]God, look at these videos. [800][812]Space Orgy? [812][839]Horny Co-Ed Surprise Party 23? [839][856]You'd think after|the first 22 parties, [856][869]the co-eds wouldn't be|surprised anymore. [869][890]So, uh... [890][916]we can get rid|of these for you. [916][936]Yeah.|No. No-no-no-no-no-no. [936][961]It's not a problem.|I'll-I'll take care of them. [961][973]Are you sure?|Mm-hmm. [973][995]I mean, no biggie. We can just|swing by the back alley [995][1008]and drop the box|in the Dumpster. [1008][1036]I see six of the words you just|said on this video label. [1036][1060]Seriously, it's not a big deal.|I will take care of it. [1060][1072]No, 'cause I, I mean...|Leave them! [1072][1094]Okay. [1105][1123]You know, in a way|it's sad, right? [1123][1141]I mean, Barney's|giving up his porn. [1141][1153]He's got relationship gut. [1153][1176]They eat at the same|diner every night. [1176][1197]It-it's, like, the end of Barney Stinson|as we know him. [1197][1218]Yeah, well, so what? They're happy.|Yeah, well, we gotta go. [1218][1235]Later. Bye.|Bye-bye. [1258][1279]So what'd you get?|I got Squat. [1279][1301]What are you...?|I thought I saw you take one. [1301][1321]Yeah, I did.|It's called Squat. [1321][1339]Hmm... [1376][1405]ArchiSexTure. [1415][1446]That is not how you spell|"Buckminster Fuller." [1446][1462]Kids, pornography is bad, [1462][1483]and so I was|getting rid of that [1483][1503]vile pornography right away... [1503][1534]I am getting rid of this vile|pornography right away. [1534][1562]...when something terrible|happened. [1587][1602]Oh, no. [1630][1649]Oh, no. [1702][1715]Oh, no. [1735][1759]Oh, no. [1780][1803]ArchiSexTure... [1803][1823]Hello, Ted. [1823][1849]If you are watching this tape--|and I knew you'd pick this one-- [1849][1873]then you are now|in possession of my porn. [1873][1891]This can only mean|one of two things: [1891][1921]either I'm dead, or I'm|in a committed relationship. [1921][1962]If I'm dead,|I want you to honor my memory [1962][1989]by taking my body|to the Hamptons [1989][2014]and recreating|Weekend at Bernie's. [2020][2035]I want to dance. [2035][2057]I want to have sex with a girl. [2057][2080]And I want to go fishing. [2080][2115]If, on the other hand, I'm|in a committed relationship, [2115][2161]then as your best friend,|I have only one request: [2161][2183]please, for the love of God, [2183][2204]get me out of it! [2204][2278]Sync by honeybunny. |Corrected by Alex28</font> [2338][2363]I might look happy,|but don't believe it. [2363][2392]Barney Stinson|is meant to be single. [2392][2406]So please, if you value [2406][2428]my best-friendship--|that's right, Marshall, [2428][2445]I'm his best friend,|how does that feel?-- [2445][2472]then get me out of this. [2472][2508]And finally, since you were|expecting some porn... [2545][2574]No, no, no baby,|don't worry. [2574][2600]The flashing green|light means it's off. [2610][2643]Are we sure he was|finished talking? [2648][2674]Look, there's no|reason we should [2674][2690]take this seriously, right?|Of course not. [2690][2703]This is an old tape. [2703][2722]Barney is happy with Robin. [2722][2752]But over the next couple weeks,|I started to notice things. [2752][2778]Barney and Robin stopped having|crazy adventures. [2778][2795]So what'd you guys|do last night? [2795][2810]I wanted to go|to a concert. [2810][2824]He wanted to go|to a party. [2824][2846]Obviously, we couldn't|do what just one of us wanted, [2846][2877]so we just stayed in,|watched a movie on [2877][2907]It was Legen--|wait for it-- [2907][2922]ds of the Fall. [2928][2956]Legends of the Fall! [2956][2979]It was okay. [2979][2995]Barney stopped being himself. [2995][3014]Hey, Barney, I'm, uh, I'm|chatting up this girl [3014][3040]over there, and I could use a|little help landing the plane. [3040][3080]Sorry, Ted, I'm my own|wingman tonight. [3110][3141]And Robin got annoyed|at everything he said. [3141][3156]So, how are you two? [3156][3173]So great.|Oh... shut up. [3173][3190]Relationships are the best.|Shut up. [3190][3246]Shut up, shut up, shut up...|The sharing, the compromise, [3252][3275]The monogamy, can't beat it.|Catchphrase! Yes! [3286][3306]But the worse they got... [3306][3330]I'm full... sweetie. [3330][3353]...the more they kept saying|things were great. [3353][3377]Now, the truth is,|Barney and Robin [3377][3393]only kind of let themselves go|a little bit. [3393][3412]But I swear, after a few more weeks, [3412][3436]to us, they seemed like this. [3455][3477]I'll be there... [3477][3506]in a minute. [3533][3552]Hey. [3562][3584]They're killing each other.|They love each other. [3584][3599]Barney and Robin|love each other, [3599][3615]but they're not Barney|and Robin anymore. [3615][3631]They're the fat guy|and the old lady. [3631][3645]My favorite '70s detective show. [3645][3669]Look, it's so clear. [3669][3683]Barney's been overeating [3683][3703]because he hates being|tied down like this. [3703][3722]And Robin's stressing out|because she hates [3722][3733]what Barney's turned into. [3733][3753]No, they're a perfect match. [3753][3764]Well, maybe that's the problem. [3764][3778]Maybe they're too similar. [3778][3788]It must be tough having [3788][3808]two alpha dogs|in one relationship. [3808][3819]We have two alpha dogs in our relationship. [3819][3835]Sure we do, sweetie. [3843][3857]If they're not happy, [3857][3872]why don't they just break up? [3872][3883]Because they're too stubborn. [3883][3902]Neither one of them|wants to be the first [3902][3914]to admit that they want out. [3914][3929]They're playing|Relationship Chicken. [3929][3949]I think Barney ate|the relationship chicken. [3962][3976]Ted, it's just a rough patch. [3976][4002]It takes time getting used|to being with someone else. [4002][4014]And they're both... [4014][4036]What the nice word for selfish?|Independent. [4036][4046]Independent. [4046][4062]Every relationship|goes through this. [4062][4094]It's true, um,|I have this astronaut friend-- [4094][4111]totally loved his fianc�e. [4111][4135]And then, the day before his|mission she caught him [4135][4169]with, like, four other chicks,|a couple of dudes. [4169][4185]Things got really tense. [4185][4198]Um, finally, she ended up [4198][4210]sneaking onto the space|shuttle... [4210][4233]Are you talking about Space Orgy?|Yes, I am. [4242][4256]Ted, it's just a rough patch. [4256][4269]Just let things|run their course. [4269][4285]She's right.|But... [4285][4301]Two-to-one, Ted.|Leave them alone [4301][4334]So I did leave them alone.|But that weekend... [4350][4378]Have you noticed how beef ribs|used to always be disgusting, [4378][4395]and then recently,|they found a way [4395][4422]to make them really|delicious instead? [4427][4456]Okay, Barney, I'm going to go|ahead and ask you this head-on [4456][4473]Are you happy with Robin? [4473][4485]Are you kidding?! [4485][4503]How could I not be happy|with Robin? [4503][4528]It's Robin!|So are you happy? [4528][4548]I can't believe you would even|ask me that. [4548][4567]I mean, yes,|we fight all the time, [4567][4600]but you know what they say|about relationships: [4600][4628]Every moment's a battle. [4633][4651]So are you happy?|Do you know what goes [4651][4673]hand in hand with fighting? [4673][4693]The makeup sex. [4693][4723]Which is different [4723][4755]when you're in a loving,|long-term relationship. [4755][4776]Heads we have sex, [4776][4812]tail we order a whole pizza|and just lay here moaning. [4812][4832]Oh, great.|Let the coin decide. [4857][4883]Which was pizza again?|Tails. [4883][4905]It was tails. [4905][4933]Sex-- am I right? [4933][4953]Thank God that's mostly over. [4967][4979]I'm still hungry. [4979][4994]You hungry? [5002][5016]We have to break them up. [5063][5082]You're right.|Barney and Robin [5082][5097]are miserable together, [5097][5111]but they're too stubborn|to admit it. [5111][5130]So we had to get them|to break up. [5130][5150]How do we do that?|We unleash... [5150][5172]the Kraken. [5172][5197]Kids, as you know,|earlier that year [5197][5219]I'd learned that Lily had|broken up not one, [5219][5261]not two, but seven|of my past relationships. [5261][5280]Forget it.|I'm retired. [5280][5304]I'm ou...
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