{1}{72}movie info: XVID 544x416 23.976fps 233.7 MB|/SubEdit b.4072 (http://subedit.com.pl)/ {2078}{2135}Good evening, culture vultures... {2136}{2255}and welcome to another installment|of Mash-to-Pieces Theater. {2337}{2391}Tonight we ask the question: {2403}{2479}"To be, or not to be" {2484}{2580}Or in this case,|an actor stuck with an average face... {2582}{2647}who's so sick and tired of auditioning... {2648}{2721}he's willing to do almost anything. {2744}{2801}Did I say "almost"? {2880}{2999}I call this sickening saga Top Billing. {3141}{3215}Does he still have a drug problem?|Just tell me, Celia, does he? {3217}{3307}I was told he's finished with rehab,|and now I hear that he's not. {3317}{3396}Get back to me when you know|what's going on with him, okay? {3400}{3427}What? {3433}{3488}Yeah, sure I dated him|but it was years ago... {3489}{3569}a whole fucking lifetime|before all this drug stuff. {3586}{3616}Yeah, he was okay in bed. {3618}{3686}I mean, he wasn't great,|but then again, who is? {3688}{3775}All right, I've got to run, honey.|So you'll get back to me? {3788}{3815}All right. {3823}{3889}I tell you, such schmucks. Such schmucks! {4111}{4175}Jenny, did Leon ever call? {4200}{4232}Jenny? {4362}{4453}Leon, what are you doing? Where's Jenny? {4476}{4582}Jenny's dead. And you're next, bitch! {4620}{4682}No, don't, Leon. Don't! {4684}{4748}The silent scream is the loudest. {4811}{4884}That's great. Thanks for coming in. {4953}{4984}That's it? {4991}{5063}Yeah, you're terrific,|but you're not quite what I'm looking for. {5064}{5135}Well, what do you need? I'm an actor. {5145}{5216}- I need someone heavier.|- I can wear padding. {5235}{5307}I don't mean heavier. I mean bigger. {5371}{5424}You don't understand. I need this job. {5426}{5508}I know you do,|but you're wrong for the part. {5513}{5553}I need a killer. {5555}{5639}Okay, how's this? I don't have any money,|I haven't eaten in a week... {5640}{5680}and I need this fucking job! {5682}{5716}Great, it's great. {5717}{5794}But I need someone physically larger|with a tan! {5883}{5945}Jenny's dead. And you're next, bitch! {6182}{6209}Fuck! {6748}{6778}Barry? {6813}{6846}Barry Blye. {6857}{6942}- Yeah, hi, Winton, how you doing?|- I'm fine. How the hell are you? {6948}{6979}How's Lisa? {6981}{7031}She's still the best thing|that ever happened to me. {7033}{7139}- Remember that rat-hole we all lived in?|- Yeah, I sure do. We still live there. {7140}{7215}Well, it's nice chatting with you.|I'll see you later. I gotta go. {7216}{7255}Come on, Barry. {7257}{7323}You can't still be angry with me|because I work for a living. {7325}{7383}Sure I can.|Let me ask you something, Winton. {7384}{7463}On your resume, does it still say "actor"? {7527}{7615}God, you crack me up, you know that?|Haven't you got it yet? {7618}{7667}This business doesn't have|anything to do with acting. {7668}{7701}Just get away from me, all right? {7703}{7760}When are you gonna learn|an actor is one who acts... {7762}{7813}- not one who collects unemployment?|- Just get away. {7815}{7902}If you spent a little less money on classes|and more on some decent clothes... {7904}{7996}and maybe, maybe,|some blue contact lenses... {8006}{8048}you might work for a change. {8050}{8107}Yeah? Well, I've seen your work, Winton. {8108}{8170}Let me tell you,|I really loved that commercial you did... {8172}{8264}you know, that little tango you did|on top of a disposable douche. {8317}{8368}Sure. I do commercials. {8383}{8457}I got $50,000 last year for one spot alone. {8484}{8568}I don't "do," okay? I act. {8603}{8665}This is Hamlet. It's about acting. {8701}{8752}"Avenue D, at Canal"? {8782}{8828}What the hell kind of theater|would be down there? {8829}{8867}All right, I gotta go. {8890}{8937}Barry, you're 35 years old. {8941}{9037}How much longer are you gonna do|free theater that no one wants to see? {9056}{9125}Hamlet doesn't need an audience.|It's a classic. {9144}{9231}Maybe so, but Lisa deserves better, Barry. {9319}{9377}Barry! {9407}{9456}Mel can do Shakespeare. {9476}{9529}But Mel has the look. {9601}{9628}Incredible. {9638}{9711}Jesus Christ. I am a hell of an actor! {9719}{9810}I'm a lot more talented than|a lot of those assholes out there making it. {9812}{9852}Guys like Winton Robbins. {9860}{9944}No, Winton Robbins has a face. {9960}{10047}- He has the look!|- And I have talent! {10061}{10160}Well, yes, talent's nice, too.|But you haven't got the look. {10169}{10259}You could have the look.|I introduced you to that plastic surgeon. {10260}{10318}I'm not a prostitute.|I'm not gonna alter my face. {10320}{10382}Look, you're an agent.|You just do your job. {10384}{10447}You just call these people up|and you get me this part, all right? {10449}{10547}Look, Barry, I've been in the business|a long time. {10556}{10629}I've seen them come,|and I've seen them go. {10647}{10735}And, Barry, I think it's time for you to go. {10753}{10854}So, you're just letting me go, just like that. {10859}{10935}Well, hey, dreams are great. {10976}{11023}But I've got expenses. {11060}{11135}So I think it's time|you find some representation... {11136}{11193}more suitable to your needs. {11229}{11256}Fine. {11285}{11385}I'll get the part myself, and I'll be brilliant. {11420}{11450}You know what? {11452}{11549}I'm gonna take my rave reviews|and my $250 a week... {11552}{11632}and shove them down your fucking throat! {12140}{12212}Use the goddamn freight elevator,|asshole. {12214}{12256}I just climbed five flights. {12283}{12318}I'm talking to you! {12336}{12375}That's my stereo. {12410}{12481}That's my apartment.|What the hell do you think you're doing? {12483}{12552}- Barry!|- Lisa, what's going on here? {12568}{12639}I'm just taking what's mine... {12671}{12730}and enough of your stuff|to make up for what you owe me. {12732}{12788}- What are you talking about?|- I... {12821}{12852}You're a loser. {12869}{12925}I promised Mr. Kroger a few things... {12927}{13012}and he agreed not to have|you thrown in jail for vagrancy. {13087}{13175}It's over, Barry. I'm moving in with Bruno. {13209}{13278}- Bruno?|- We met in class. {13311}{13391}Barry, Bruno. Bruno, Barry. {13414}{13470}Lisa, I love you. {13560}{13643}Yeah. Look, we've gotta go. {13712}{13771}I left some chicken in the fridge for you. {13805}{13838}Chicken? {13929}{13976}We could still be friends. {14140}{14175}Excuse me. {14346}{14380}You're a loser. {14516}{14547}Spare change? {14977}{15018}You gotta be kidding. {15604}{15656}Excuse me, is this the theater... {15693}{15769}- What the hell are you doing here?|- I'm here to audition. {15772}{15844}What are you doing here?|This audition is for Hamlet. {15851}{15903}I came down to make a point to you. {15904}{15953}I bet you stayed up all night|reading the play. {15955}{15986}You're damn right, I did. {15988}{16062}You don't walk|into a Hamlet audition cold, you idiot. {16067}{16104}It's poetry, for Christ's sake. {16106}{16184}The part requires an actor, Winton,|not a face. {16192}{16305}Fine. And had this been a theater,|I bet you I would've gotten the part. {16338}{16381}I'll see you around, Barry. {16544}{16650}- Is this Hamlet?|- No, it's Shangri-la. {16658}{16735}Don't you recognize it?|And I'm the Dalai Lama. {16750}{16809}Let me guess, you're here to audition? {16816}{16846}Yes. {16890}{16919}Yes, I am. {16950}{17039}Well, don't just stand around. Actors! {17262}{17295}Ouch. {17355}{17443}"Alas! poor Yorick. {17464}{17583}"I knew him, Horatio,|a fellow of infinite jest... {17602}{17683}"excellent and fancy: he hath-" {17684}{17749}No! {17751}{17825}It's wrong, it's all wrong! {17913}{18002}Hamlet is holding in his hands|the skull of Yorick. {18010}{18111}He sees what 20 years|of rotting in the ground... {18112}{18155}have done to his friend. {18157}{18231}That is why he is so upset. {18244}{18348}- Who? Yorick?|- No, you dunce! Hamlet. {18370}{18465}Hamlet. You pick up the skull... {18489}{18582}you look at it, you talk to it. {18612}{18644}You even kiss it. {18697}{18786}Here, kiss it. Kiss it. {18788}{18877}- But it's plastic.|- You won't kiss plastic, will you? {18885}{18991}Get off of my stage! Do you hear me? {19052}{19086}Plastic. {19114}{19194}Beaks! They've lost another one. {19210}{19280}Where? Where are my props? {19294}{19339}Yes, your bloatedness. {19374}{19435}Searching. {19642}{19744}What are you doing? You're an actor.|I command you to act! {19787}{19832}I don't have any lines. {19852}{19970}That's no excuse. Living is acting.|Being is acting. {19987}{20053}This is the gravedigger scene.|You're a gravedigger. {20055}{20160}Dig, or I'll ram this shovel|down your putrid little throat! {20177}{20205}Dig! {20255}{20336}Jesus. That is one tough director. {20352}{20430}He's demanding. I respect that. {20490}{20598}Excuse me.|I'm here to audition for the role of Hamlet. {20616}{20649}What? {20740}{20789}Who broke my concentration? {20824}{20877}Everyone... {20879}{20955}out of my sight! {21018}{21105}You two, come to my office. {21452}{21488}Do you know who I am? {21519}{21630}I am Nelson Halliwell,|director of stage and screen. {21734}{21792}And it's a pleasure to meet you, sir. {21793}{21866}I'm Barry Blye.|I'm here to audition for Hamlet. {21868}{21960}And well, as you can see,|I'm highly, highly qualified for the part. {21962}{22051}I have extensive qualifications,|I've done the part in several workshops... {22053}{22115}and I know the entire role by heart. {22116}{22146}Do you? {22172}{22228}And do you know that we are planning... {22242}{22319}the most stirring production|of Hamlet ever? {22370}{22428}I want to bring to the stage a Hamlet... {22447}{22565}that will look, and feel, and be so real... {22582}{22652}that the people will stumble|from their seats... {22654}{22749}tumble from the t...
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