{536}{590}{y:i}I was no stranger|to Mr Gilbert's office. {592}{661}{y:i}I often popped by with a complaint|or a suggestion {663}{697}{y:i}on how I thought the school|could be better run. {699}{768}{y:i}But today was different -|he'd actually invited me. {770}{796}Sit down, McKenzie. {798}{864}Actually, I'm glad|we've got this opportunity to chat, {866}{905}- as there's a couple of things...|- Shut up. {907}{945}Sure. {947}{998}The headmaster, in his infinite wisdom,|has decided it would be a good idea {1000}{1113}for the sixth formers to participate in|the Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme. {1115}{1162}- I'd like you to co-ordinate it.|- Me?! Really?! {1164}{1248}The Duke of Edinburgh|representative for the entire year? {1250}{1325}- Yes.|- I am honoured, sir. {1327}{1371}Thanks very much. Why me? {1373}{1438}You're a virgin, aren't you,|McKenzie? {1440}{1482}Sorry? {1484}{1545}A virgin. You haven't had|full sexual intercourse? {1547}{1587}Um... no, I haven't. {1589}{1640}Well, there's your answer.|Now get out. {1642}{1691}Maybe we should arrange|a weekly meeting, {1693}{1728}just to check on my progress. {1730}{1794}You can if you like,|but I won't be there. {1796}{1872}Or maybe I could compose|a regular memo with how it's all going. {1875}{1955}OK. Why don't you drop that|in my pigeonhole? {1958}{1984}Great. Where's that, sir? {1987}{2121}Any bin. Any rubbish bin you see in,|or indeed, out of the school. {2124}{2221}Just pop all your thoughts|in a rubbish bin, and they'll get to me. {2224}{2264}Goodbye, McKenzie. {2267}{2361}{y:i}So now I was Will McKenzie|"By Royal Appointment". {2364}{2440}{y:i}But like all great leaders, I need|some idiots to use as cannon fodder. {2443}{2470}{y:i}Now, where would I find some idiots? {2472}{2501}Look at this one. {2549}{2610}Holy shit! That poor fucker's|had all his hair removed with lmmac. {2612}{2636}What's that? {2638}{2700}It's what birds use|to get a nice, smooth fanny. {2702}{2749}I think my mum uses it|for her legs. {2751}{2800}She wants to try using it on her moustache|and the backs of her hands! {2828}{2855}Brilliant. {2857}{2908}Gilbert's just told me|some great news. {2910}{2966}The school's handing out|free briefcases to speccy twats? {2968}{3011}- No.|- Your mum's giving out free blow jobs? {3013}{3033}Nothing to do with my mum. {3035}{3097}You've been asked|to appear on Who's The Gayest? {3099}{3148}Don't think that's even a real show. {3150}{3198}What's happened is,|Gilbert has registered the school {3200}{3255}for the Duke of Edinburgh Awards,|and I'm the co-ordinator. {3257}{3301}Oh, sorry,|I thought you said you had good news. {3303}{3334}{y:i}This is good news. {3336}{3424}Think how good a Duke of Edinburgh Award|will look on our UCAS forms. {3426}{3476}Oh, now it sounds awesome {3478}{3558}Simon, trust me, this will look|great on our uni applications, {3560}{3636}cos we get to help the community and also|do some pretty incredible activities, {3638}{3738}like whitewater rafting,|abseiling, even mountain climbing. {3740}{3780}Sounds like|a queer adventure holiday. {3782}{3847}Just who is this Duke of Edinburgh?|Does he teach it? {3849}{3918}No, course he doesn't teach it,|you fucking idiot. {3920}{3974}The Duke of Edinburgh|is Prince Charles. {3976}{4060}Um, no, he isn't. It's his dad. {4062}{4102}King Philip? {4104}{4209}No, that is the Duke of Edinburgh|you're thinking of, but he's not the king. {4211}{4244}He fucks the Queen, though. {4246}{4300}- Oh.|- Probably up the arse. {4302}{4360}- Look, do you want to sign up or not?|- You've got to be fucking joking. {4362}{4433}There's no way I'm going|to get bummed by some royal bloke {4435}{4471}- on a mountain.|- Yeah, fuck it, I'm in. {4473}{4546}- Why, you twat?|- I've never met the Queen. {4548}{4574}Simon? {4576}{4620}- I'll think about it.|- Come on! {4622}{4681}You can't just have "moping after Carli"|on your UCAS form. {4683}{4724}I actually do loads of things|in my spare time. {4726}{4779}Masturbating doesn't count|as a hobby, Simon. {4781}{4837}- Oh, fuck it, go on, then.|- Brilliant. {4839}{4867}I'll go and register us now. {4869}{4918}- See you Sunday!|- Sunday? {4920}{4955}Yes, Sunday. {4985}{5018}My mum's barbecue? {5048}{5082}Do you remember anything|I invite you to {5084}{5108}Not really. {5110}{5204}Don't worry, I'm coming. Wherever|your mum's snatch is, I'll be there. {5227}{5263}{y:i}So the good news|for fans of overcooked meat, {5265}{5326}{y:i}tedious small talk and weird neighbours {5328}{5410}{y:i}was that it was the day of my mum's|barbecue, and it was rocking. {5413}{5460}This is a shit party. {5462}{5523}It's a middle-aged woman's barbecue.|What were you expecting? {5526}{5575}- The Playboy Mansion?|- Still shit. {5577}{5653}Um, Si, I just saw your mum inside.|She looked pretty upset. {5655}{5733}- Oh, no! Blubbing?|- She was a bit, yeah. {5735}{5815}Oh, bloody hell! She's been a total baby|since Dad moved out. {5817}{5877}- Your dad's moved out?|- It's no biggie. {5880}{5946}They've not been getting on lately,|so he's moved out for a few weeks {5948}{5987}- while they sort stuff out.|- What, like her face? {5990}{6015}It'll take more than a few weeks|to sort that mess out. {6018}{6062}Shut up, you cock! {6065}{6102}Do you maybe want|to just check if she's OK? {6105}{6174}Not really. I've had it all bloody week.|It's so embarrassing. {6176}{6260}- Do you want me to get rid of her?|- Um, no, it's fine. {6262}{6307}All right, then,|I'd better go and mingle. {6309}{6357}Don't break anything|and don't steal anything. {6359}{6411}All right, all right!|We'll just go inside and get a beer. {6413}{6488}- No, you are banned from going inside.|- Why? {6490}{6568}Because you'll do something|like steal my mum's knickers {6570}{6612}to sniff and then wank with. {6614}{6653}- With?|- Yes, with. {6655}{6700}And then you'll take great pleasure|in telling me {6702}{6787}how you wrapped my mother's knickers|round your cock {6789}{6826}and used the friction generated {6828}{6880}whilst thinking about her tits|to make you come. {6882}{6978}- Hello, Will.|- Oh, hello, Mrs Cooper. {6980}{7010}Simon, do you mind if we go? {7012}{7051}Oh, bloody hell, really? {7086}{7135}OK! Fine! {7193}{7272}{y:i}While Simon offered his mother|a surly shoulder to cry on, {7274}{7306}{y:i}I mingled with a fellow|tank top enthusiast. {7335}{7365}Shouldn't you be revising? {7367}{7414}Ha, yes. One day off won't hurt. {7416}{7476}It might do.|My nephew went to Center Parcs {7478}{7538}six weeks before his entrance exam|to Oxford. {7540}{7609}He didn't make the cut,|decided to take a year out. {7611}{7665}All his friends went to university. {7667}{7737}By the time they returned for Christmas,|he'd hanged himself. {7771}{7805}Right. {7807}{7843}Thanks, Roy. {7893}{7935}Oh, sorry! {7937}{8000}Hello, Will!|You probably don't remember me. {8002}{8043}- I used to baby-sit for you.|- No, course I do. {8045}{8088}You're Daisy, Maggie's daughter. {8090}{8158}Wow. Nice to see you again.|You look really different. {8160}{8272}{y:i}You don't. I recognised your glasses|straight away and your funny walk. {8274}{8308}Do people still laugh|at your funny walk? {8310}{8355}{y:i}Did people laugh at my walk? {8357}{8438}- No. A... bit.|- Great {8440}{8500}Sorry, it's not that funny. {8502}{8561}- It's just... different.|- To a normal one? {8563}{8644}- Yes, but who wants normal?|- Well, me now! {8646}{8709}Oh, come on, there's a guy at uni|with six toes. Everyone loves him. {8711}{8771}Right, good to know.|So what are you doing here? {8773}{8842}- Well, I was invited.|- Yes, course. {8844}{8903}And I'm working part-time|at the old folk's home up the road, {8905}{8956}- so I thought I'd pop by.|- Wow, {8958}{9009}what an incredibly selfless thing to do! {9012}{9047}Not really. {9049}{9110}I'm hoping one of the rich ones|might write me into their will. {9112}{9188}Sounds amazing. Amazing. {9190}{9243}Well, we're always on the lookout|for volunteers. {9245}{9302}Really? We're doing|a volunteering scheme at school. {9304}{9357}Maybe you could get us into the home. {9360}{9399}It's volunteering|at an old people's home. {9402}{9461}- There's not a long waiting list.|- Yes. Sorry, course. {9464}{9509}So, you're still at school? {9512}{9566}Technically, yes, but I'm very mature. {9569}{9614}- Right, you coming? >|- Oh, God. {9616}{9682}Look, sorry,|I have to deal with something. {9684}{9711}Oh, what's happened? {9714}{9759}Two of my friends|have just gone into my house. {9762}{9817}It doesn't sound catastrophic. {9820}{9906}You don't know them.|Look, can you wait there? {9908}{10001}I'm off soon, but do get in touch|about the volunteering. {10003}{10054}Now let's see that funny walk again. {10056}{10101}- Really?|- For old times' sake. {10103}{10231}OK... I don't really know how I do it. {10337}{10375}There it is! {10377}{10419}{y:i}Daisy was perfect for me. {10421}{10502}{y:i}She was older and more sophisticated,|caring and, best of all, {10504}{10559}{y:i}owned her own nurse's uniform. {10561}{10595}I've got some great news. {10597}{10661}I spent the morning|setting up our first D of E assignment. {10663}{10703}- It starts today after school.|- The what? {10705}{10765}D of E.|It stands for "Duke of Edinburgh". {10767}{10825}It's what people|on the course refer to it as. {10827}{10873}Do we need to pack?|Is it mountain climbing? {10875}{10940}- No.|- Shit, I hope it's whitewater rafting. {10942}{10989}- Nope!|- Oh, God, this is killing me. {10991}{11042}- What are we doing?|- We're doing voluntary work {11044}{11091}- at an old people's home.|- Up a mountain? {11093}{11149}No, just round the corner from school. {11151}{11220}...
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