Bedside Manner
SHE AWOKE, and didn't even wonder where she was.
First there were feelings—a feeling of existence, a sense of still being alive when she should be dead, an awareness of pain that made her body its playground.
After that, there came a thought. It was a simple thought, and her mind blurted it out before she could stop it: Oh, God, now I won't even be plain any more. I'll be ugly.
The thought sent a wave of panic coursing through her, but she was too tired to experience any emotion for long, and she soon drowsed off.
Later, the second time she awoke, she wondered where she was.
There was no way of telling. Around her all was black and quiet. The blackness was solid, the quiet absolute. She was aware of pain again--not sharp pain this time, but dull, spread throughout her body. Her legs ached; so did her arms. She tried to lift them, and found to her surprise that they did not respond. She tried to flex her fingers, and failed.
She was paralyzed. She could not move a muscle of her body.
The silence was so complete that it was frightening. Not a whisper of sound reached her. She had been on a spaceship, but none of a ship's noises came to her now. Not the creak of an expanding joint, nor the occasional slap of metal on metal. Not the sound of Fred's voice, nor even the slow rhythm of her own breathing.
It took her a full minute to figure out why, and when she had done so she did not believe it. But the thought persisted, and soon she knew that it was true.
The silence was complete because she was deaf.
Another thought: The blackness was so deep because she was blind.
And still another, this time a questioning one: Why, if she could feel pain in her arms and legs, could she not move them? What strange form of paralysis was this?
She fought against the answer, but slowly, inescapably, it formed in her mind. She was not paralyzed at all. She could not move her arms and legs because she had none. The pains she felt were phantom pains, conveyed by the nerve endings without an external stimulus.
When this thought penetrated, she fainted. Her mind sought in unconsciousness to get as close to death as it could. When she awoke, it was against her will. She sought desperately to close her mind against thought and feeling, just as her eyes and ears were already closed.
But thoughts crept in despite her. Why was she alive? Why hadn't she died in the crash?
Fred must certainly have been killed. The asteroid had come into view suddenly; there had been no chance of avoiding it. It had been a miracle that she herself had escaped, if escape it could be called—a mere sightless, armless and legless torso, with no means of communication with the outside world, she was more dead than alive. And she could not believe that the miracle had been repeated with Fred.
It was better that way. Fred wouldn't have to look at her and shudder—and he wouldn't have to worry about himself, either. He had always been a handsome man, and it would have killed him a second time to find himself maimed and horrible.
She must find a way to join him, to kill herself. It would be difficult, no doubt, without arms or legs, without any way of knowing her surroundings; but sooner or later she would think of a way. She had heard somewhere of people strangling themselves by swallowing their own tongues, and the thought cheered her. She could at least try that right now. She could--
No, she couldn't. She hadn't realized it before, but she had no tongue.
She didn't black out at this sudden awareness of a new horror, although she desperately wanted to. She thought: I can make an effort of will, I can force myself to die. Die, you fool, you helpless lump of flesh. Die and end your torture, die, die, die...
But she didn't. And after a while, a new thought came to her: She and Fred had been the only ones on their ship; there had been no other ship near them. Who had kept her from dying? Who had taken her crushed body and stopped the flow of blood and tended her wounds and kept her alive? And for what purpose?
The silence gave no answer. Nor did her own mind. After an age, she slept again.
When she awoke, a voice said, "Do you feel better?"
I can hear! She shouted to herself. It's a strange voice, a most unusual accent. I couldn't possibly have imagined it. I'm not deaf! Maybe I'm not blind either! Maybe I just had a nightmare--
"I know that you cannot answer. But do not fear. You will soon be able to speak again."
Who was it? Not a man's voice, nor a woman's. It was curiously hoarse, and yet clear enough. Uninflected, and yet pleasant. A doctor? Where could a doctor have come from?
"Your husband is also alive. Fortunately, we reached both of you at about the time death had just begun."
Fortunately? She felt a flash of rage. You should have let us die. It would be bad enough to be alive by myself, a helpless cripple dependent upon others. But to know that Fred is alive too is worse. To know that he has a picture of me like this, ugly and horrifying, is more than I can stand. With any other man it would be bad enough, but with Fred it's unendurable. Give me back the ability to talk, and the first thing I'll ask of you is to kill me. I don't want to live.
"It may reassure you to know that there will be no difficulty about recovering the use of the limbs proper to you, and the organs of sensation. It will take time, but there is no doubt about the final outcome."
What nonsense, she asked herself, was this? Doctors had done wonders in the creation and fitting of artificial arms and legs, but he seemed to be promising her the use of real limbs. And he had said, "organs of sensation." That didn't sound as if he meant that she'd see and hear electronically. It meant--
Nonsense. He was making a promise he couldn't keep. He was just saying that to make her feel better, the way doctors did. He was saying it to give her courage, keep her moral up, make her feel that it was worth fighting. But it wasn't worth fighting. She had no courage to keep up. She wanted only to die.
“Perhaps you have already realized that I am not what you would call human. However, I suggest that you do not worry too much about that. I shall have no difficulty in reconstructing you properly according to your own standards."
Then the voice ceased, and she was left alone. It was just as well, she thought. He had said too much. And she couldn't answer, nor ask questions of her own . . . and she had so many.
He wasn't human? Then what was he? And how did he come to speak a human language? And what did he mean to do with her after he had reconstructed her? And what would she look like after she was reconstructed?
There were races, she knew, that had no sense of beauty. Or if they had one, it wasn't like a human sense of beauty. Would he consider her properly reconstructed if he gave her the right number of arms and legs, and artificial organs of sight that acted like eyes—and made her look like some creature out of Hell? Would he be proud of his handiwork, as human doctors had been known to be, when their patients ended up alive and helpless, their bodies scarred, their organs functioning feebly and imperfectly? Would he turn her into something that Fred would look at with abhorrence and disgust?
Fred had always been a little too sensitive to beauty in women. He had been able to pick and choose at his will, and until he had met her he had always chosen on the basis of looks alone. She had never understood why he had married her. Perhaps the fact that she was the one woman he knew who wasn't beautiful had made her stand out. Perhaps, too, she told herself, there was a touch of cruelty in his choice. He might have wanted someone who wasn't too sure of herself, someone he could count on under all circumstances. She remembered how people had used to stare at them—the handsome man and the plain woman—and then whisper among themselves, wondering openly how he had ever come to marry her. Fred had liked that; she was sure he had liked that.
He had obviously wanted a plain wife. Now he would have an ugly one. Would he want that?
She slept on her questions, and waked and slept repeatedly. And then, one day, she heard the voice again. And to her surprise, she found that she could answer back—slowly, uncertainly, at times painfully. But she could speak once more.
"We have been working on you," said the voice. "You are coming along nicely."
"Am I—am I—" she found difficulty asking: "How do I look?"
"Incomplete."
"I must be horrible."
A slight pause. "No. Not horrible at all. Not to me. Merely incomplete."
"My husband wouldn't think so."
"I do not know what your husband would think. Perhaps he is not used to seeing incomplete persons. He might even be horrified at the sight of himself."
"I—I hadn't thought of that. But he—we'll both be all right?"
"As a medical problem, you offer no insuperable difficulty. None at all."
"Why—why don't you give me eyes, if you can? Are you afraid—afraid that I might see you and find you—terrifying?"
Again a pause. There was amusement in the reply. "I do not think so. No, that is not the reason."
"Then it's because—as you said about Fred—I might find myself horrifying?"
"That is part of the reason. Not the major part, however. You see, I am, in a way, experimenting. Do not be alarmed, please—I shall not turn you into a monster. I have too much knowledge of biology for that. But I am not too familiar with human beings. What I know I have learned mostly from your books, and I have found that in certain respects there are inaccuracies contained in them—I must go slowly until I can check what they say. I might mend certain organs, and then discover that they do not have the proper size or shape, or that they produce slightly altered hormones. I do not want to make such mistakes, and if I do make them, I wish to correct them before they can do harm."
"There's no danger—?"
"None, I assure you. Internally and externally, you will be as before."
"Internally and externally. Will I—will I be able to have children?"
"Yes. We ourselves do not have your distinctions of sex, but we are familiar with them in many other races. We know how important you consider them. I am taking care to see that the proper glandular balance is maintained in both yourself and your husband."
"Thank you—Doctor. But I still don't understand—why don't you give me eyes right away?"
"I do not wish to give you eyes that see imperfectly, and then be forced to take them away. Nor do I want you to watch imperfect arms and legs developing. It would be an unnecessary ordeal. When I am sure that everything is as it should be, then I shall start your eyes."
"And my husband—"
"He will be reconstructed in the same way. He will be brought in to talk to you soon."
"And you don't want either of us to see the other in—in imperfect condition?"
"It would be inadvisable. I can assure you now that when I have completed your treatment you will almost exactly be as you were in the beginning. When that time comes you will be able to use your eyes."
She was silent a moment.
He said, "Your husband had other questions. I am waiting to hear you ask them too."
"I'm sorry, Doctor . . . I wasn't listening. What did you say?"
He repeated his remarks, and she said, "I do have other questions. But—no, I won't ask them yet. What did my husband want to know?"
"About me and my race. How we happened to find you in time to save you. Why we saved you. What we intend to do with you after you are reconstructed."
"Yes, I've wondered about those things too."
"I can give you only a partial answer. I hope you do not find it too unsatisfactory. My race, as you may have gathered, is somewhat more advanced than yours. We have had a head start," he added politely.
"If you can grow new arms and legs and eyes," she said, "you must be thousands of years ahead of us."
"We can do many other things, of which there is no need to talk. All I need say now is that I am a physician attached to a scouting expedition. We have had previous contact with human beings, and have taken pains to avoid coming to their attention. We do not want to alarm or confuse them."
"But all the same, you rescued us."
"It was an emergency. We are not human, but we have, you might say, humanitarian feelings. We do not like to see creatures die, even inferior creatures—not that you are, of course," he added delicately. "Our ship happened to be only a few thousand miles away when it happened. We saw, and acted with great speed. Once you are whole again, we shall place you where you will be found by your own kind, and proceed on our way. By that time, our expedition will have been completed."
"When we are whole again—Doctor, will I be exactly the same as before?"
"In some ways, perhaps even better. I can assure you that all your organs will function perfectly."
"I don't mean that. I mean—will I look the same?"
She felt that there was astonishment in the pause. "Look the same? Does that matter?"
"Yes . . . oh, yes, it matters! It matters more than anything else."
He must have been regarding her as if she were crazy. Suddenly she was glad that she had no eyes to see his bewilderment. And his contempt, which, she was sure, must be there too.
He said slowly, "I didn't realize. But, of course, we don't know how you did look. How can we make you look the same?"
"I don't know. But you must! You must!" Her voice rose, and she felt the pain in her throat as the new muscles constricted.
"You are getting hysterical," he said. "Stop thinking about this."
"But I can't stop thinking about it. It's the only thing I can think of! I don't want to look any different from the way I did before!"
He said nothing, and suddenly she felt tired. A moment before she had been so excited, so upset; and now—merely tired and sleepy. She wanted to go to sleep and forget it all. He must have given me a sedative, she thought. An injection? I didn't feel the prick of the needle, but maybe they don't use needles. Anyway, I'm glad he did. Because now I won't have to think, I won't be able to think--
She slept. When she awoke again, she heard a new voice. A voice she couldn't place. It said, "Hello, Margaret. Where are you?"
"Who ... Fred!"
"Margaret?"
"Y-yes."
"Your voice is different."
"So is yours. At first I couldn't think who was speaking to me!"
"It's strange it took us so long to realize that our voices would be different."
She said shakily, "We're more accustomed to thinking of how we look."
He was silent. His mind had been on the same thing.
"Your new voice isn't bad, Fred," she said after a moment. "I like it. It's a little deeper, a little more resonant. It will go well with your personality. The Doctor has done a good job."
"I'm trying to think whether I like yours. I don't know. I suppose I'm the kind of guy who likes best what he's used to."
"I know. That's why I didn't want him to change my looks."
Again silence.
She said, "Fred?"
"I'm still here."
"Have you talked to him about it?"
"He's talked to me. He's told me about your being worried."
"Don't you think it matters?"
"Yes, I suppose it does. He told me he could do a good technical job—leave us with regular features and unblemished skins."
"That isn't what I want," she said fiercely. "I don't want the kind of regular features that come out of physiology books. I want my own features. I don't care so much about the voice, but I want my own face back!"
"That's a lot to ask for. Hasn't he done enough for us?"
"No. Nothing counts unless I have that. Do—do you think that I'm being silly?"
"Well—"
"I don't want to be beautiful, because I know you don't want me to be."
He sounded amazed. "Whoever told you that?"
"Do you think that after living with you for two years, I don't know? If you had wanted a beautiful wife, you'd have married one. Instead, you chose me. You wanted to be the good-looking one of the family. You're vain, Fred. Don't try to deny it, because it would be no use. You're vain. Not that I mind it, but you are."
"Are you feeling all right, Margaret? You sound—overwrought."
"I'm not. I'm being very logical. If I were either ugly or beautiful, you'd hate me. If I were ugly, people would pity you, and you wouldn't be able to stand that. And if I were beautiful, they might forget about you. I'm just plain enough for them to wonder why you ever married anyone so ordinary. I'm just the kind of person to supply background for you."
After a moment he said slowly, "I never knew you had ideas like that about me. They're silly ideas. I married you because I loved you."
"Maybe you did. But why did you love me?"
He said patiently, "Let's not go into that. The fact is, Margaret, that you're talking nonsense. I don't give a damn whether you're ugly or beautiful—well, no, that isn't strictly true. I do care—but looks aren't the most important thing. They have very little to do with the way I feel about you.
I love you for the kind of person you are. Everything else is secondary."
"Please, Fred, don't lie to me. I want to be the same as before, because I know that's the way you want me. Isn't there some way to let the Doctor know what sort of appearance we made? You have—had—a good eye. Maybe you could describe us—"
"Be reasonable, Margaret. You ought to know that you can't tell anything from a description." His voice was almost pleading. "Let's leave well enough alone. I don't care if your features do come out of the pictures in a physiology textbook—"
"Fred!" she said excitedly. "That's it! Pictures! Remember that stereo shot we had taken just before we left Mars? It must be somewhere on the ship—"
"But the ship was crushed, darling. It's a total wreck."
"Not completely. If they could take us out alive, there must have been some unhurt portions left. Maybe the stereo is still there!"
"Margaret, you're asking the impossible. We don't know where the ship is. This group the Doctor is with is on a scouting expedition. The wreck of our ship may have been left far behind. They're not going to retrace their tracks just to find it."
"But it's the only way . . . the only way! There's nothing else—"
She broke down. If she had possessed eyes, she would have wept—but as it was, she could weep only internally.
They must have taken him away, for there was no answer to her tearless sobbing. And after a time, she felt suddenly that there was nothing to cry about. She felt, in fact, gay and cheerful—and the thought struck her: The Doctor's given me another drug. He doesn't want me to cry. Very well, I won't. I'll think of things to make me happy, I'll bubble over with good spirits.
Instead, she fell into a dreamless sleep.
When she awoke again, she thought of the conversation with Fred, and the feeling of desperation returned. I'll have to tell the Doctor all about it, she thought. I'll have to see what he can do. I know it's asking an awful lot, but without it, all the rest he has done for me won't count. Better to be dead than be different from what I was.
But it wasn't necessary to tell the Doctor. Fred had spoken to him first.
So Fred admits it's important too. He won't be able to deny any longer that I judged him correctly.
The Doctor said, "What you are asking is impossible."
"Impossible? You won't even try?"
"My dear patient, the wrecked ship is hundreds of millions of miles behind us. The expedition has its appointed task. It cannot retrace its steps. It cannot waste time searching the emptiness of space for a stereo which may not even exist any longer."
"Yes, you're right . . . I'm sorry I asked, Doctor."
He read either her mind or the hopelessness in her voice. He said, "Do not make any rash plans. You cannot carry them out, you know."
"I'll find a way. Sooner or later I'll find a way to do something to myself."
"You are being very foolish. I cannot cease to marvel at how foolish you are. Are many human beings like you, psychologically?"
"I don't know, Doctor. I don't care. I know only what's important to me!"
"But to make such a fuss about the merest trifle! The difference in appearance between one human being and another of the same sex, so far as we can see, is insignificant. You must learn to reg...
widez2