The Real Life Scenario Survival Handbook - Debbie Barham.pdf

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The Real Life
Scenario
Survival
Handbook
Debbie Barham
S U M M E R S D A L E
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Copyright © Summersdale Publishers Ltd, 2002
Text by Debbie Barham
No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor
transmitted, nor translated into a machine language, without
the written permission of the publisher.
Summersdale Publishers Ltd
46 West Street
Chichester
West Sussex
PO19 1RP
UK
www.summersdale.com
Printed and bound in Great Britain.
ISBN 1 84024 283 3
CONTENTS
PREFACE: A Word from The Author ..................................................5
CHAPTER ONE: Medical Emergencies
How To Treat Broken Wind ..............................................................7
How To Treat A Broken Heart ......................................................10
How To Deliver A Baby ................................................................15
How To Survive Sagging Breasts .....................................................19
How To Treat A Shopaholic ...........................................................22
How To Keep A Big Brother Addict Alive Between Series ................24
How To Cure A Mockney Accent ...................................................27
How To Survive A Massive Electric Charge .....................................30
How To Survive A Near-Death Experience .....................................32
CHAPTER TWO: Surviving Domestic Mishaps
How To Wrestle With An Obstinate Duvet Cover ..............................33
How To Defrost A Freezer .............................................................40
How To Deal With A Red Wine Stain On Clothing ..........................42
How To Construct An Item Of Self-Assembly Furniture ....................43
CHAPTER THREE: Survival On The Move
How To Pilot A Micro Scooter .........................................................45
How To Conceal An Unwanted Erection On Public Transport ..............50
How To Use An Aircraft Toilet .........................................................52
How To Survive Accidentally Ingesting A Railtrack Sandwich ...............59
How To Escape A Market Researcher In The Street .........................62
How To Break Into A Packet Of In-Flight Peanuts ............................65
How To Be Discreetly Sick In A Taxi ................................................68
How To Obtain A Tolerable Passport Photo .....................................71
How To Survive When Stranded In The Mountains With A Royal Skiing Party ...78
How To React When Your Offspring Is Kissed By An MP ..................82
How To Escape A Drunk And Disorderly Conviction ..........................84
How To Survive A Celebrity Survivor Show .......................................85
How To Wear A Skimpy Bikini On The Beach ...................................92
How To Remove A Skimpy Bikini .....................................................95
THE REAL LIFE SCENARIO HANDBOOK
CHAPTER FOUR: Survival In The Workplace
How To Survive A Random Outbreak Of Firing ................................99
How To Deal With A Stockmarket Crash Victim ..............................102
How To Break Into The Modelling Industry ...................................105
How To Rob A Bank .....................................................................110
How To Escape From A Maximum Security Jail .............................113
How To Deal With A Charging Credit Card ......................................117
How To Spot A Lying Politician .....................................................119
How To Climb A Greasy Pole ......................................................120
How To Disguise The Fact That You Are The Only Person In The Office Not
To Find Frasier Funny ..................................................................122
CHAPTER FIVE: Surviving Sport and Leisure Activities
How To Save A Test Match ..........................................................126
How To Avoid Being Stuck Behind A Big-Haired Person In The Cinema 131
How To Survive A Karaoke Christmas Party ....................................136
How To Feign Interest In Modern Art ............................................138
How To Survive A Barbecue .........................................................143
CHAPTER SIX: Negotiating Perilous Social Minefields
How To Camouflage Your Inability To Cook ...................................148
How To Be Complimentary When Confronted With An Exceedingly Ugly Baby 152
How To Evade Vegetarian Food ...................................................155
How To Fend Off A Former Partner On Jerry Springer ...................158
How To Find The Loo In A Huge Modern Gastro-Dome ................160
How To Survive If The Earth Fails To Move (For Women) ..................164
CHAPTER SEVEN: Dealing With Dangerous Animals
How To Extract Your Leg From A Randy Dog .................................167
How To Avoid A Bite From An Angry Hamster ...............................170
How To Survive An Alien Abduction ...............................................174
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