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H O W T O C R A S H T H E F R E E M A S O N S
By Klark of the Kent Team
Masonry swears its members to secrecy with grisly, anatomically explicit
oaths. A Master Freemason must "promise and swear, that I will not write,
print, stamp, stain, hew, cut, carve, indent, paint, or engrave" the
mysteries of his order "under no less penalty than to have my throat cut
across, my tongue torn out by the roots, and my body buried in the rough
sands of the sea," according to one version of the oath. Tenth- degree
Masons "consent to have my body openedperpendicularly, and to be
exposed for eight hours in the open air, that the venomous flies may eat
my entrails" if they talk. Even the Shriners, a "fun" order, may incur "the
fearful penalty of having my eyeballs pierced to the center with a three-
edged blade."
Be that as it may, the secrets of the Masons are preserved in certain
arcane tracts, pamphlets, and books. These are sold only by Masonic
supply houses - the firms that sell fezzes, banners, plaques, jewels, and
other regalia to lodges. The supply houses take the secrecy seriously.
Most will not sell booklets containing club secrets to anyone who cannot
show a Masonic ID. BIG SECRETS came across a Chicago firm, however,
that works by mail order. The Geo. Lauterer Corporation publishes an
illustrated catalog of lodge gear. It offers over a hundred Masonic and
other fraternal manuscripts. We obtained a sampling of titles.
American Masonry differs in certain particulars from British or
Continental Masonry. Rituals may vary from lodge to lodge. Masonic
tracts do not always agree. Except where noted, the information below is
taken from two of Lauterer's titles, RICHARDSON'S MONITOR OF
FREEMASONRY by a pseudonymous Benjamin Henry Day, and
INITIATION STUNTS by Lieutenant Beale Cormack.
The Secret Handshake
It's a regular handshake, except that you press your forefinger hard into
the other's palm. The thumb presses against the base joints of the second
and third fingers. It looks pretty much like any other handshake; only the
person shaking hands can feel the difference.
The Secret Password
"Tubal-Cain" is the secret password of a Master Mason. But some lodges
have their own passwords.
The Secret Word
Not to be confused with the password. The Word (always capitalized) is so
secret that initiates are taught it one letter at a time. First they learn A,
then O, then M, and finally I. The Word is IAOM.
You never get a straight story as to what it means. As best as anyone
can figure, it is the ineffable name of God, or some approximation thereof.
The Word (or Name) is a tongue-twister. It takes some practice to get it
right. The following pronunciation guide is from MASONRY AND ITS
SYMBOLS IN THE LIGHT OF THINKING AND DESTINY by Harold Waldwin
Percival:
The Name is pronounced as follows: It is started by opening the lips with
an "ee" sound graduating into a broad "a" as the mouth opens wider with
lips forming an oval shape and then graduating the sound to "o" as the lips
form a circle, and again modulating to an "m" sound as the lips close to a
point. This point resolves itself to a point within the head.
Expressed phonetically the Name is "EE-Ah-Oh- Mmm" and is pronounced
with one continuous out- breathing with a slight nasal tone in the manner
described above. It can be correct and properly expressed with its full
power only by one who has brought his physical body to a state of
perfection...
The Shriners' Recognition Test
According to a Lauterer manuscript, this is how two Shriners recognize
each other:
Q: Then I presume you are a Noble? A: I am so accepted by all men of
noble birth.
Q: Have you traveled any?
A: I have.
Q: From where to what place have you traveled?
A: Traveled east over the hot burning sands of the desert.
Q: Where were you stopped at?
A: At the devil's pass.
Q: What were you requested to do?
A: I was requested to contribute a few drops of urine.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why were you requested to do this?
A: As a token of my renouncing the wiles and evils of the world and
granted permission to worship at the Shrine.
Q: At what Shrine did you worship?
A: At the Shrine of Islam.
Q: Did you ride?
A: Yes, I rode a camel until I paused to dismount.
Q: Then what did you do with your camel?
A: I tied him.
Q: Where did you tie him?
A: I tied him to a date tree, where all True Shriners should do so.
BOTH: Yes, I pulled the Cord, rode the hump, I have traversed the hot
arid sands of the desert to find Peace and rest in the quiet shades of the
Oasis.
Initiation
There are two sides to Freemason initiations - one a standardized, sedate
ritual; the other a highly variable set of hazing stunts.
Prospective Masons must apply of their own free will. Masons may not
recruit friends at least not in theory. Proposed members are investigated
by a committee of lodge members. This is often just a formality but may
include, for instance, a credit report. The committee reports on the
candidate at a lodge meeting. Members then vote.
The ballot box is the Lauterer catalog uses white balls and black cubes.
(Losers are blackcubed, not blackballed.) If there is a single negative vote,
the ballot is declared foul. The lodgemaster (who sees how each member
voted) may try to convince dissenting members to reconsider. A negative
verdict on the second ballot is final.
Successful candidates are invited to the lodge for initiation. There are
three basic degrees: Entered Apprentice, Fellow Craft, and Master Mason.
Each has its own ritual.
Entered Apprentice candidates begin by taking off their clothes to prove
their gender (women may not become Masons). In practice, this means
taking off the pants and any jacket. Underwear and shirt are kept on, but
the shirt is unbuttoned and pulled down to bare the left arm, shoulder,
and breast.
The candidate is hoodwinked (blindfolded). A cabletow (rope) is placed
around the neck. (The Lauterer catalog's hoodwink is simply a standard,
black satin half-face mask -- without eyeholes -- secured with an elastic
string. The cabletow is a heavy blue rayon cord with tassels at both ends.)
Ideally, the cabletow is supposed to have four strands to symbolize the
four senses (they don't count touch). The candidate is escorted to a room
where three candles are burning. One of the lodge members takes a
mason's compass or other sharp instrument and pricks the candidate's
bared skin. The candidate is instructed to recite a formula to the effect
that what he desires most is light. The other lodge members remove his
hoodwink and cabletow. Before the candidate are three candles. He is
told that the candles represent the sun, the moon, and the master of the
lodge.
The candidate gets a lecture on the symbolism of Masonry. Visual aids
are used (Lauterer sells a set of three lecture charts and a set of 188 35-
millimeter slides). He is given a "lambskin," a white apron. Lauterer's
lambskins are indeed genuine lambskin, lined with cotton. They measure
13 inches by 15 inches or 14 inches by 16 inches. A triangular flap folds
down like the flap of an envelope. The lambskin is worn in front, and a tie
(tape or cord with tassels) fastens behind the back.
A member of the lodge pretends to be a collector for a needy cause and
asks the candidate to donate. Lacking his wallet, the candidate must
refuse. The moral: Help the less fortunate. Then the candidate is allowed
to put his clothes back on. He is taken before the master of the lodge. The
master tells him that he is now a Mason. The candidate is given the
working tools of the Apprentice, a twenty-four-inch gauge and a gavel.
The second and third degrees follow a similar pattern. Both repeat the
business with the hoodwink and the cabletow. For the Fellow Craft
initiation, the right shoulder is bared, and the cabletow is tied around the
right biceps. In the Master Mason initiation, the cabletow is wound
around the body three times. Each degree has its own lecture on
symbolism.
Then there are the optional degrees. Their initiation rituals take the
form of short plays starring the candidate and other lodge members. The
playlets deal with incidents from the mythic history of the Masons, such as
the building of King Solomon's Temple and the murder of Temple architect
Hiram Abiff. These initiations cost the candidate about $150 a pop, so any
thirty-second-degree Mason has dropped over $4,000. Once a Mason has
completed the twenty-nine optional degrees of the Scottish rite or the six
optional degrees of the York rite, he is eligible to become a Shriner -- which
means still another initiation.
Depending on the whim of the other lodge members, initiations may
include a set of burlesque tests to prove a candidate's mettle. These blend
sophomoric practical jokes, soft S&M, an an electric carpet (the latter "just
the item for initiations," touts the Lauterer catalog, at $4.75 a square foot;
jump spark battery extra). Lauterer's INITIATION STUNTS booklet
describes over thirty tests judged suitable for fraternal orders, of which the
following is a sample. In all cases, candidates are blindfolded. Here's how
the Masons keep out the wimps:
"Chewing the Rag"
A lodge member criticizes two candidates for speaking: "They both talk too
much and I fear they will someday betray the secrets of our brotherhood."
As a lesson, the candidates must "chew the rag." The member says that he
has a six-foot length of string with a raisin tied in the middle. Each
candidate gets an end of the string. The member instructs the candidates
to chew the string from their respective ends: The one who gets the raisin
will be excused from "The Test of the Drowning Man." They chew. The
"raisin" is really a piece of candy coated with Epsom salts. There is no
"Test of the Drowning Man."
"Oriental Dance"
Lodge members strip a candidate and put a skirt on him. As Oriental
music is played, he is forced to dance on the electric carpet. This is one of
several uses of the carpet, all of which are deemed more effective if the
candidate does not know about the carpet. The electric-shock sensation is
not immediately identifiable as such, or so the semiwarped reasoning goes.
Members may warn the blindfolded candidate to "step high" to avoid
burning desert sands, barbed wire, or snakebites.
"A Trip to the Moon"
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