EDWARD WALLBANGER by feathersmmmm.pdf

EDWARD WALLBANGER

Chapter 1-The First Time

"Oh God,"

Thump.

"Oh God,"

Thump. Thump.

What the fuck?

"Oh God, that's so good,"

I swum up out of sleep, confused as I looked around the strange room. Boxes on the floor.

Pictures propped up against the wall.

My new bedroom, in my new apartment.

"Mmmm, yeah baby, right there, just like that...don't stop, don't stop!"

Oh no...

I sat up in bed, rubbed my eyes, and looked at the wall behind me, trying to figure out what

the hell was going on. I was still half asleep.

Earlier that day, my best friends Rose and Alice had moved me into my new apartment. It

was the first time I had ever had my own place, no roommates. I was ecstatic. I was lucky

enough that my boss and mentor Esme had let me sublet her old apartment, there was no

way I could have afforded to live in this neighborhood in San Francisco. Thank God for rent

control.

It was gorgeous. Large spacious rooms, wood floors, arched doorways...it even had a

fireplace! Granted, I had no clue how to actually build a fire, but that was neither here nor

there. I was aching to start placing pieces on the mantelpiece. As an interior designer, I

started mentally placing things in almost every space I went to. It drove my friends mad at

times, as I was constantly restaging their knick-knacks.

After soaking in the old and incredibly deep claw foot tub until I was past the prune stage, I

packed my tired ass into bed and enjoyed the creaks and squeaks of a new home. I heard

light traffic outside, and the

comforting click click of my cat Clive walking around his new house, exploring. The click click

came from his hangnail you see...

I fell into a peaceful sleep, so pleased with my new home.

Which is why I so surprised when I was woken up so abruptly at...let's see...2:37am.

As I gazed stupidly at the ceiling, trying to figure out why I was awake, I was startled as I felt

the bed move underneath me. It jumped slightly, and then jumped again. I grumbled, and

moved tiredly into the doorway. After growing up in Northern California, I was used to

tremors. While I had never experienced a "big one", I was of the better safe than sorry

variety, and always followed earthquake protocol.

"Come on Clive, get over here," I chided, noticing that he was still on the bed. He looked at

me disinterestedly, and then raised his leg to clean his bum.

Huh, strange. Clive always went apeshit whenever there was the slightest tremor, in fact he

was usually the one that let me know something was rumbling. Animals were the best

predictor of earthquakes typically.

I didn't feel anymore tremors, so I yawned hugely and I shuffled back across my room. I

heard another thump and I saw my bed move. The headboard first.

OK, that's weird.. .

Then I heard, very distinctly,

"Fuck Edward, that's so good! Mmm, yeah baby,"

Aw jeez...

I rolled my eyes, wide awake now and a little fascinated by what was clearly going on next

door. I looked at Clive, he looked at me, and I swear he winked.

I climbed back into bed, and tried to settle back to sleep. I guess someone should be getting

some. I had been in a bit of a dry spell for awhile. A very long while. Bad jackrabbit sex and

an ill timed one night stand had robbed me of my orgasm...she had been on vacation for 6

months now.

Six

Long

Months.

I had carpel tunnel trying to get myself off, but O was on almost permanent hiatus. I don't

mean Oprah.

I pushed the thoughts of my missing O away from me, and curled up on my side. All seemed

quiet at this point, and so I began to drift back to sleep, Clive purring contentedly beside me.

Then all hell broke loose.

"Fuck yes! Fuck yes! Oh god...OH GOD!"

My painting of the Cardinal At The Vatican fell off the shelf above my bed and rapped me

soundly on the head...Oh God indeed.

Rubbing my head and cursing enough to make the Cardinal blush, I looked back at the wall

behind me again, and saw that my wrought iron headboard was literally banging against the

wall as the fuckery continued from next door.

"Fuck me baby, yes yes yes!" I heard, and I sighed loudly. Then I heard, for the love of all that

is holy, spanking. You can't misinterpret a good spanking, and someone was receiving a good

one next door.

"Oh God Edward, yes. I've been a bad girl, yes Daddy yes, yes YES!"

Mother of pearl...

More spanking, and then the unmistakable sound of a low male voice, groaning and then

growling.

I got up, moved the entire fucking bed a few inches away from the wall, and huffed back into

bed, glaring at the wall the whole time.

I fell asleep that night swearing that I would bang on that wall if I heard one more peep. Or

fuck. Or spank.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Chapter 2- An Cat Dubh 2.0

The next morning, my first official morning in my new place, found me contentedly sipping

on a cup of coffee and munching on a leftover donut from yesterday's moving in party. Rose

and Alice had come over yesterday to supervise the moving crew. What that meant was they

sat on their asses reading InStyle while I directed traffic. But they did bring

donuts, and for that I was grateful. I was more than grateful; I was in a sugar coma.

I had finally fallen asleep last night, after the antics from next door had died down. The girl

was spanked, plowed, she came, she slept. The same for Edward. I assumed his name was

Edward, as that was what the girl-who-liked-to-be-spanked kept called him. And really, if she

was making up names there were hotter names than Edward to be screaming out in the

throes.

The throes...God I missed the throes.

"Still nothing, huh O?" I sighed, looking down at my hoohah. During month four of The

Missing O, I stated to talk about her as though she were real, an actual entity. She felt real

when she was rocking my world several months ago, but sadly now that she had abandoned

me, I didn't even know if I would recognize her if I saw her. 'Tis a sad sad day when a girl

doesn't even know her own orgasm...

I went to rinse out my coffee cup, placing it in the second sink to drain. I pushed my hair

back, and looked around at the chaos that surrounded me. As often as I had moved since I

graduated high school, (every year at Berkley, and the four years since) I had moving down

to a science. Still, it was a fucking mess every time. No matter how well you planned, no

matter how well you labeled those boxes, no matter how often you told that mother fucking

moving guy that if it said KITCHEN it did not belong in the BATHROOM, it still was a damn

mess.

"What do you think Clive, should we start in here or in the living room?" I asked my cat, who

was curled up on one of the deep windowsills. I admit, when I was scouting for new places to

live I always looked at the windowsills. I know how fond he is of looking out on the world,

and I like seeing him waiting for me when I come home. I was totally Clive's bitch.

Right now he looked at me, and then at the living room.

"OK, living room it is," I said, realizing that I had only spoken 3 times since I had woken up

this morning, and every word uttered had been directed towards a pussy. Hmm...

I was about 20 minutes into sorting my DVDs back into the TV hutch when I heard voices in

the hallway. Each floor only had 2 apartment, and I was on the top. There was a good chance

it was my noisy neighbors. I ran to the door and pressed my eye up to the peephole, trying

to see if I was right. What a pervert I was, honestly.

I couldn't see much, but from here I could hear their conversation. I heard the man's voice,

low and soothing, and I could hear her giggling.

"Mmm Edward, last night was fantastic,"

"I thought this morning was fantastic, too," he said, planting what sounded like one helluva

kiss on her.

Huh. They must have been in another room this morning; I didn't hear a thing. I pressed my

eye back to the peephole. Dirty pervert.

"Yes, it was. Call me soon?" she asked, leaning in for another kiss.

"Of course, I will call you next time I am in town," he promised, swatting her on her bottom

as she giggled again and walked away. I couldn't really see her; she was on the short side

though. Bye Bye Spanx.

I couldn't see this Edward ; he was back in his apartment before I could get a good look at

him. Interesting, so this girl did not live with him. And I didn't hear any I Love You's when she

left, but they did seem very comfortable with each other.

They would have to be, what with the spanking and all.

Yes, the spanking indeed.

I pushed thoughts of spanking and Edward from my mind, and went back to my DVDs. I was

alphabetizing, and I was only up to the G's. Goonies came after Garfields Halloween

Spectacular. I loved my retro holiday specials.

Spanking Edward. What a great name for a band...

I was just placing The Wizard of Oz after Willy Wonka when I heard a knock on the door. I

could hear scuffling in the hallway, and as I approached the door I could hear my two

friends.

"Don't fucking drop it you idiot," I heard Rose snap.

"Oh shut up, don't be so damn bossy," Alice snapped back.

I rolled my eyes and opened the door to see them standing there, holding a large box.

"Ladies settle down, you're both pretty," I laughed, raising an eyebrow at them.

"Ha ha, funny Bella," Alice answered, rolling her eyes and staggering inside.

"What the hell is that? And I can't believe you guys carried that up four flights of stairs!" I

exclaimed. My girls did not do manual labor when they could get someone else to do it.

"Believe me, we waited outside in the car for anyone to walk by that we could talk into

bringing it in, but no luck. So we schlepped it ourselves. Happy Housewarming!" Rose said, as

they set it down and she fell into the easy chair by the fireplace.

"Yeah quit moving so much, we are tired of buying you shit," Alice laughed, laying down on

the couch and dramatically placing her arms over her face.

I poked at the box with my toe and asked,

"So what is it? And I never said you had to buy me anything. The Jack LaLane Juicer was not

necessary last year, truly."

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