Laura Resnick - We Are Not Amused.pdf - Laura Resnick - margozap

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We Are Not Amused

by Laura Resnick

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First published in Alternate Presidents, Tor Books, February 1992

Fictionwise Contemporary

Alternate History

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_Victoria Claflin Woodhull (1838-1927) travelled across the United

States throughout her youth with her family's medicine and fortune-telling

show, giving demonstrations in spiritualism with her younger sister,

Tennessee. In 1868, the sisters settled in New York City, where they

befriended Cornelius Vanderbuilt, who set them up in a successful

stock-brokerage firm. They used their profits to found Woodhull and Claflin's

Weekly, a women's-rights magazine._

_Woodhull espoused Pantarchy, free love, women's suffrage, short

skirts, legalized prostitution, and the right of women to orgasm. In 1872 she

became the first woman to run for the presidency, being nominated by her own

Equal Rights Party. In addition to being unable to vote because she was a

woman, Woodhull was arrested with her sister and imprisoned for

obscenity-printing the Beecher-Tilton Scandal in the Weekly -- the day before

the election. _

* * * *

The following letters have been excerpted from _Correspondence Between the

Victorias: An Insight Into the Decline of Victorianism, 1872-1880_ by Dr.

Wiantha Woodhull. The author is a descendant of President Victoria Woodhull

(1872-1876) and Attorney General Zula Maud Woodhull (1904-1908). The book will

be published in its entirety this spring by Femme Fatale Press, cover price

$16.95.

* * * *

SANDRINGHAM, 10th December 1872:

Her Majesty Victoria, Queen of Great Britain and Ireland, Empress of

India, wishes to convey her sincere felicitations to the President Elect of

the United States of America, Mrs. Victoria Woodhull. The Queen was _very

strongly_, though not unpleasantly, surprised to learn from Mr. Gladstone that

Mrs. Woodhull has succeeded to the highest elected office of her charming

country.

The Queen applauds Mrs. Woodhull's commendable and publicly expressed

gratitude to Mr. Cornelius Vanderbuilt, who aided and abetted her bold

campaign for the presidency. The Queen _knows little_ of Mrs. Woodhull's

background, and wonders if the Woodhull and Vanderbuilt families have been

intimate for _many years_.

The Queen has learned that Mrs. Woodhull did not rely solely upon Mr.

Vanderbuilt for financial support for her campaign, but also engaged in active

enterprise in partnership with her sister, Miss Tennessee Claflin, first as

New York stockbrokers and later as the publishers of _Woodhull and Claflin's

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Weekly_. The Queen admires such industrious behavior and has _very often_

encouraged it in her subjects! The Queen has been informed that a particular

issue of _Woodhull and Claflin's Weekly_ printed two days before the

presidential election sold for forty dollars per copy. The Queen is most

impressed that Americans are so eager to read, and she would very much like to

know more about the contents of the _Weekly_.

Nevertheless, the Queen is well aware that it requires more than _mere

money_ to emerge victorious in a political campaign, having observed many such

campaigns within her realm. Mrs. Woodhull may be surprised to learn that the

Queen knows that, as early as 1870, she enjoyed the support of Congressman

Benjamin F. Butler of Massachusetts who arranged for her to address the House

Judiciary Committee.

It was certainly at this pivotal moment, when Mrs. Woodhull urged

Congress to legalize women's suffrage under the Fourteenth Amendment (a speech

for which, the Queen understands, the National Woman Suffrage Association

delayed the start of their convention in Washington, D.C.), that Mrs.

Woodhull's political career became of such interest to the British Prime

Minister. The Queen commends Mrs. Woodhull on her successful efforts, since it

is surely the woman's vote which has helped to place her so securely in

office! The Queen is also sure that Mrs. Woodhull will agree that the Queen's

own female subjects currently have all the rights and privileges they require

and are in _ no need_ of suffrage like their distant sisters across the sea.

Although former President Grant cost Her Majesty's Government $15.5

million in the settlement of the _ Alabama_ incident (and Mrs. Woodhull may be

assured that no one had informed the Queen that the British weren't supposed

to sell ships to the Confederates during the American Civil War, much less

that there was evidently a precise difference between Confederate rebels and

Cuban belligerents, or Cuban rebels and Confederate belligerents), he was

evidently nevertheless a rather popular president within his own country

(leading the Queen to believe that the American people still harbor some

resentment from 1812).

It has been implied within Her Majesty's Government that President

Grant may well have won re-election, had not Mr. Greeley and Mr. Sumner been

successful in their advocacy of an amendment to limit the president to one

term. Perhaps Black Friday and the Santo Domingo affair contributed to the

success of this amendment. Nevertheless, there can be no doubt that this

surprising development, combined with the Republicans' _misguided judgement_

in naming an actor as their next presidential candidate, contributed to Mrs.

Woodhull's felicitous success. The Queen, known for her sense of humor,

acknowledges the irony: Mr. Greeley succeeded in eliminating President Grant

from the race, but he himself, as the Democratic candidate, suffered an

overwhelming defeat at the hands of his female opponent, candidate of the

Equal Rights Party!

The Queen has learned that a duck was somehow responsible for Mr.

Greeley's defeat. Her Majesty is at a loss to understand how an ordinary farm

animal could be instrumental in deciding the outcome of a presidential race,

but she recognizes that Americans have lived in isolation for some centuries

and may have unique values.

The Queen also wishes to take this opportunity to convey her

felicitations to Mr. Frederick Douglass, the abolitionist and former slave who

now stands beside Mrs. Woodhull as her Vice President.

The Queen concludes by advising Mrs. Woodhull to seek the advice and

guidance of Mr. Woodhull, remembering as she does how greatly she valued and

misses the strength and wisdom of her departed husband, Prince Albert.

* * * *

BUCKINGHAM PALACE, 28th April, 1873

The Queen has to thank President Woodhull sincerely for her letter of

15th February, and she is pleased to learn that the President felt her

inauguration was a successful occasion!

The Queen further thanks President Woodhull for explaining how a duck

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caused her Democratic opponent to lose the election. The Queen expresses hope

that all ducks have been _removed_ from _his presence_, as well as all

children and all persons of character.

The Queen finds it most enlightening that President Woodhull's sister

Miss Tennessee Claflin initiated their association with the esteemed

Vanderbuilt family by administering a healing massage to Mr. Cornelius

Vanderbuilt. However, though she _seldom interferes_ in the affairs of foreign

nations, the Queen feels bound to suggest that Miss Claflin may not be the

best possible choice for the post of Surgeon General, since her medical

practices led to her being indicted for manslaughter in Illinois in 1864.

Thanks must also be extended to President Woodhull for the time she

took in explaining her _Weekly's_ exposure of the Beecher-Tilton incident,

though the Queen finds it quite difficult to believe such claims about a

clergyman. Apparently the American people also found it difficult. The Queen

is pleased to learn that President Woodhull and Miss Claflin have nonetheless

been acquitted of obscenity charges.

On the issue of Mr. Woodhull, the Queen is somewhat bewildered, despite

the President's explanation. If the Queen understands correctly, President

Woodhull is the wife of Colonel James Harvey Blood, _not_ the wife of Dr.

Canning Woodhull. However, the President's former husband, the afore-mentioned

Dr. Woodhull, now lives in the White House with the President and her husband.

Under the circumstances, the Queen agrees with President Woodhull that

it might be wiser to seek advice from _neither man_ for the time being.

The Queen is charmed to learn that President Woodhull is the proud

mother of two children. From the President's description, the Queen concludes

that Zula Maud is a child of remarkable resilience of character. The Queen

expresses her sympathy that the President's son, Byron, has been diagnosed as

a mental defective. Having recently read _Childe Harold's Pilgrimage_, the

Queen can only conclude that this is often true of men named Byron.

Mr. Gladstone has informed the Queen of President Woodhull's Cabinet

appointments. Evidently, Susan B. Anthony will make a vigorous Secretary of

the Treasury, as she is now gamely grappling with the financial problems

resulting from the American Civil War and Reconstruction; British subjects

have already heard of a new currency called the "Susie Buck." Initiative

should always be applauded!

The Queen also commends the President's wise decision to rejuvenate her

nation's dealings with the American Indian tribes. They are still living far

closer to civilization than they really need to be, and perhaps the

President's newly appointed Commissioner of Indian Affairs, Talks Much Woman,

can convince them of this, being one of their own kind.

However, Her Majesty's Government is concerned that the posts of

Secretary of War and Secretary of the Navy are to be abolished altogether and

replaced by the Secretary of Love and the Secretary of Reproductive Freedom.

Mr. Gladstone and the Queen would both appreciate a more thorough explanation

than offered in the President's previous letter.

The Queen cannot also help wondering if Elizabeth Cady Stanton, though

movingly described by the President as a lifelong crusader against immorality,

is appropriately qualified for the post of Attorney General.

Finally, the Queen expresses her admiration for President Woodhull's

unwavering commitment to Pantarchy, but would like to know what it is.

* * * *

BALMORAL, 5th August 1873

The Queen thanks President Woodhull for her letter of 4th June, though

she found the contents of said letter quite disturbing.

The Queen was aware that President Woodhull had once assumed leadership

of Section Twelve of Marx's International Workingmen's Association, but

thought it would be in poor taste to remind the President of her youthful

indiscretions. Nor did the Queen wish to presume about President Woodhull's

character. After all, Mr. Disraeli may be a Liberal, but he is nevertheless a

most agreeable person, as the Queen keeps pointing out to Mr. Gladstone.

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However, Pantarchy, a supposedly perfect state wherein children and

property are managed in common by the members of society, sounds exactly like

something those horrid Communists would propose. The Queen wishes to remind

President Woodhull that _free love_ and the breakdown of the family are in

direct opposition to the values held by the Queen and, therefore, universally

held by her subjects.

The Queen is further dismayed to learn that the President's

administration is encouraging the legalization of prostitution. While the

Queen cannot prevent the President from this folly, she _can certainly resist_

the President's efforts to convince her to become a champion of legalized

prostitution. Although the President's appeal to protect the lives and health

of fallen women is most eloquent, the Queen assures her that no such problem

exists in Great Britain (except possibly among the Irish who, after all,

cannot help themselves). The Queen protests the figures quoted in President

Woodhull's letter which indicate that Her Majesty's subjects enter brothels

more frequently than they enter churches. While this is very possibly true of

France, the figures are erroneous when applied to Her Majesty's realm!

The Queen recalls that the President's administration is instituting

dietary reform, and she suggests that diet may well be at the very root of the

problem. Some hearty roast beef, not to mention tea and clotted cream, might

well minimize some of the President's more eccentric impulses!

The Queen understands from the President's letter that the Secretary of

Reproductive Freedom will supervise research and legislation regarding

abortion and birth control. Though the Queen cannot condone this, she does see

how this could be considered necessary if everyone in America is going to

start practicing free love, since primogeniture could become _extremely

confusing_.

Evidently, the Queen misunderstood the President's purpose in

appointing Talks Much Woman as Commissioner of Indian Affairs, as well as her

goals in dealing with the American Indian tribes. Would it be too presumptuous

of the Queen to inquire _just how much more_ of the United States the

President intends to give back to native tribes?

Finally, the Queen regrets to inform President Woodhull that her new

American ambassador to the Court of St. James was arrested upon arrival. She

was wearing _a short skirt_. A skirt which, the Queen is unhappily obliged to

inform the President, exposed a considerable portion of her _limbs_. Mr.

Gladstone was in a state of considerable excitement, the poor man.

* * * *

WINDSOR CASTLE, 23rd October 1875

Despite the Queen's firm resolve to have no further correspondence with

President Woodhull after the remarks in her Christmas greeting of 1873, she

now finds it necessary to appeal to the President to cease this relentless

barrage of change which has _so afflicted_ British society since the

President's election.

The Prince of Wales has recently abandoned his wife, the Princess

Alexandra, having explained to the Queen that he is now practicing free love

in the American manner, finding it a charming and thoroughly civilized custom.

The Princess objected until the American ambassador explained that free love

is also _her_ right, and she has since become the constant companion of Lord

Tennyson (whose works are now sadly lacking in the fine moral tone for which

he was once known).

The Queen's dearly beloved daughters, Princess Beatrice and Princess

Louise, now habitually wear the short skirts first popularized by the

President's select representatives in this country. Thousands upon thousands

of young women have followed suit, and many of them have established

rebellious musical groups which play Spanish and African instruments.

The Duke of York's eldest son has left home to go live with some of the

American Indian tribes now settling in eastern United States. Young men in

Trafalgar Square are wearing their hair in the style of Mohawk Indians and

protesting the Government's involvement in India. They also protest the

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situation in South Africa, melodically insisting that they shall "overcome"

someday, which puzzles the Queen.

Mr. Gladstone's office at 10 Downing Street is daily besieged by women

demanding the right to vote, the right to apply for men's jobs and earn men's

wages, and the right to receive paid maternity leave from their places of

employment. Factories in Britain have come to a standstill as workers strike

and demand safe working conditions.

Furthermore, traffic in London has been totally disrupted by a group

calling itself the British Union of the Sisters of Mercy and Comfort. The

prostitutes of London, having heeded President Woodhull's international call

to unionization, now daily parade around Picadilly Circus in most indecent

attire, refusing to leave the public limelight until the Government recognizes

and protects their places of employment. No doubt suffering from shock,

Parliament has been unusually slow in taking any action whatsoever to stop

these women from disturbing the peace.

The Queen has lived in seclusion at Windsor Castle for the past six

months, waiting for the situation to improve. Mr. Gladstone has finally

admitted that he thinks matters may continue on this downhill course for quite

some time, though Great Britain, he assures his supporters, will never see a

female Prime Minister!

To add to the Queen's woes, her once dear friend the Empress Augusta

came to Windsor Castle for a visit this week. In a devastating blow to the

civilized world, not only was the Empress wearing a _short skirt_, she also

insisted that she adheres to President Woodhull's theory that every woman is

entitled to... to... orgasm! After a most embarrassing discussion, the Empress

made a number of comments about the late Prince Albert that the Queen really

could not tolerate.

As abasing and humiliating as it is to admit these problems to

President Woodhull, the Queen writes this letter in the hope that the

President will see fit to eliminate her newly-proposed medical, legal, and

environmental reforms. Surely the President can see that they would be the

downfall of civilization!

The Queen holds President Woodhull entirely responsible for the chaos

currently overwhelming Great Britain and now seeping into Europe, the

alienation of her sons, the disgrace of her daughters, and the loss of a dear

old friend.

In short, President Woodhull, the Queen is not amused.

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