Roger Zelazny - Here There Be Dragons.pdf

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file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Roger%20Zelazny%20-%20Here%20There%20Be%20Dragons.txt
file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Roger%20Zelazny%20-%20Here%20There%20Be%20Dragons.txt
Roger Zelazny. Here there be dragons
Illustrated by Vaughn Bode
Chapter 1
ONCE UPON A TIME there was a king who was king of a very
small country. Indeed, his kingdom was so small that most
people were not even aware it existed.
The king thought that it was a fairly large kingdom,
though, as kingdoms went. This was because there were many
mountains around the place, mountains which were difficult to
climb. Because of these mountains, travelers would just go on
around the kingdom, rather than go through it. And very few
people ever left the kingdom, to come back and tell of other
lands. People were pretty much afraid to do that.
They were afraid of the dragons.
They never saw any dragons, mind you, but they were afraid
of them. This is because all the maps in the kingdom showed
that they were surrounded by dragons dragons here, dragons
there, dragons all over the place, all because of Mister
Gibberling.
Mister Gibberling was the Royal Cartographer. (That means
he was the official mapmaker.) Mister Gibberling was the Royal
Cartographer because his father and his grandfather had been
Royal Cartographers. Mister Gibberling had learned his
profession from his father, who had learned it from his father.
Since people did not visit the kingdom very often, and the
king's subjects seldom crossed over the mountains themselves,
it was difficult for the Royal Cartographers to know exactly
what to put down on their maps to show what was outside. So, as
he had learned from his father (who had learned it from his
father), whenever he did not know what to show as being in any
certain place, Mister Gibberling picked up his quill, and with
a great flourish of the feather wrote (in fancy letters):
-HERE THERE BE DRAGONS-
Then he would smile, because he had explained a new
territory. Of course, since he did not really know what lay
beyond the mountains in any direction, it soon came to appear
that the entire world was infested with dragons. (And he would
draw little pictures of fire-breathing dragons, roaring and
flapping their wings, beneath what he wrote which certainly
didn't help to promote tourism.)
This is why everyone was afraid of the dragons they had
never seen. If your father were to drive into a gas station and
ask for a road map, and it said, "HERE THERE BE DRAGONS" and it
showed a little picture such as the ones Mister Gibberling
drew, your father would take a dif- ferent route. So, since all
the maps in the kingdom showed dragons everywhere, breathing
flames and being mean, all the people in the kingdom stayed at
home, because there were no other routes.
Chapter 2
BUT THEN ONE DAY the king's daughter, the princess, was
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going to have a birthday, and the king wanted to celebrate it
in a special way.
"I want fireworks!" he said.
"Yes, sire. A good idea," said his first adviser.
"Yes indeed, sire. A very good idea," said his second
adviser.
"Oh yes, great sire! A very, very good idea," said his
third adviser.
"Uh, where will we get them, sire?" asked his fourth
adviser, who was never too popular around the court (but his
dowager aunt was a good friend of the queen, so the king kept
him about, despite his habit of asking uncomfortable
questions).
"The man who used to manufacture fireworks died some ten
years ago," he explained, "and he never trained anyone to take
his place. This is why there have been no fireworks displays in
recent years."
"We shall simply have to get them," said the king,
"because I want them."
"Yes," said the first adviser.
"We shall simply have to get them," said the second.
"Because the king wants them," said the third.
"How?" asked the fourth.
"Well we could, ah import them," said the first.
"Yes, import them," said the second.
"Import them, yes," said the third.
"From where?" asked the fourth.
"Well, uh we could get them from . . . Hmm.
"Yes, we could get them from Hmm," agreed the second.
"I was only hmming, not naming places," said the first.
"Oh, pardon me, I thought you meant the city of Hmm on the
Mm river. It is too far away, now that I think of it."
"Why don't we get a map and look?" asked the third.
"An excellent idea," said the second. "Get a map and look."
So they did. They gathered around the map and studied.
"There are dragons to the east," said the first.
". . . And dragons to the west," said the second.
". . . And dragons to the north," said the third.
". . . And dragons to the south," said the fourth. "They
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seem to be all around us. In fact, there is only our kingdom
and dragons on the map. Consequently, we cannot import any
fireworks."
"It would seem to follow . . ." said the first.
"But the king wants them!" said the second.
"But where can we get them?" asked the third.
Then the first adviser had an idea. "What is a dragon,
anyway?" he asked.
"Oh, big!" said the second.
". . . And mean," said the third.
". . . And ugly and scaly and strong and fire-breathing,"
finished the fourth. "There is a picture on the map‹ many
pictures, as a matter of fact."
"Well," said the first, "dragons spout flames, don't they?
Like Roman Candles, Vesuvius Fountains, Cannon Crackers,
Whirlagigs, Blue Angels, Normandy Lights?"
"So I've always heard," said the second.
"Yes, exactly," said the third.
"When is the last time any of you has seen a dragon?"
asked the fourth. "Well . . ." said the first.
"Ah . . ." said the second.
"Er . . ." said the third.
"I was only curious," said the fourth. "I have never seen
one myself."
"Oh, you. That doesn't prove anything," said the first.
"Now then, listen: If we can't import fireworks, why can't we
import a dragon to do the same job? Fire, colored lights things
like that?"
"A stunning idea!" said the second. "Import a dragon!"
"Congratulations," said the third. "It is a brilliant
idea. Dragons are available everywhere, while fireworks are
not."
"Yes," said the fourth. "I would like very much to see you
import a dragon."
"I shall suggest it to the king immediately," said the first
adviser. He went and suggested it to the king.
"Oh, my yes!" said the king. "Won't it be jolly to have a
dragon for the princess' birthday! Why didn't I think of that?"
"That is what advisers are for," said the first adviser.
"Send for a dragon immediately," ordered the king,
"medium-sized, and with colored lights."
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"Very good, sire," said the first adviser. "Send for a
dragon," he told the second.
"Send for a dragon," the second adviser told the third.
"Send for a dragon," the third adviser told the fourth.
"Who shall I send, and where?" asked the fourth.
"That is your problem," said the third. "I only relay
orders."
"But I have no one to relay them to," said the fourth.
"Then do it yourself," said the third.
"This is ridiculous!" said the fourth, whose name,
incidentally, was William.
"It is the order of the king," said the third. "Your place
is to obey, not to question."
"Very well," said William, sighing. "I'll give it a try.
But I still think it is ridiculous."
"It is the king's order. Go, import a dragon!" And they
laughed, as the fourth adviser went away to seek a medium-sized
dragon with colored lights.
"I wonder," William wondered, "who I can send to fetch me
a dragon? A knight! Of course! I'll send a knight. They are
supposed to be accustomed to doing brave and bold and
courageous things like that."
Chapter 3
HE WALKED up the street to the local inn, where the
knights spent most of their time eating and drinking. He went
into the inn and looked for the captain of the King's Guard.
The captain was seated at the first table, a huge platter of
beef and a tankard of ale in front of him. He was a fat man
with a red face and a wart on the left side of his nose. He
kept eating while William talked to him.
"Captain," he said, "I need a brave and courageous knight
or three for a brave and courageous deed."
"All of my knights are brave and courageous," said the
captain, without looking up from the table.
"The king needs a dragon," said William, "medium-sized
and with colored lights. So, will you kindly supply me with
someone brave and courageous enough to go after one? The
captain choked on his ale and looked up suddenly.
"A dragon?" he said. "You want me to send one of my men
after a dragon?"
"That is correct. One, or two, or three, or as many as you
feel would be necessary." The captain scratched his head.
"Well, I don't know," he said finally. "Most of my men are
out of practice when it comes to dragons. . . ."
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The inn was suddenly very quiet. At the mention of the
word "dragon" all the clattering of platters and tankards and
dice had stopped. All the laughter and the sounds of
table-pounding and chair-scraping had stopped. William felt
everyone staring at him.
"Are you trying to tell me that your men would be afraid
to go after a dragon?" he asked.
"Afraid!" snorted the captain through his mustaches (which
were quite large, and blew up almost as high as his ears when
he snorted). "My men afraid of dragons? I should say not!
"Are any of you men afraid of dragons?" he called out in a
loud voice.
"N-no," came several soft answers. "But of course, we're
out of practice when it comes to dragon-slaying. . "
"Not slaying, just catching," said William, "and I can see
that I'm getting nowhere this way. So I'll just ask for
volunteers. Do any of you men want to volunteer to go get a
dragon for the princess' birthday party and bring it back
alive?"
No one answered.
"Come, come!" cried William, jumping up onto a table.
"Surely a few of you brave fellows would be willing to do this
thing to make the princess' birthday a happy and memorable
occasion. Who will be first to volunteer?"
Still no one answered.
"Then I think you are all cowards!" said William.
"Not so, not so ! " cried the captain. "Consider, if you
please, the circumstances. All of these men are fearless and
have done many brave deeds in the past, or they would not be
knights today. They are, as I said, just out of practice when
it comes to dragons. They do not know the meaning of the word
'fear'."
"Doubtless," said William, "and a good many others besides.
"You there," he said to one man. "What was the last brave
deed you did?"
The knight looked at his captain, looked at William.
Finally, he said, "I saved the princess' poodle from a large
and ferocious rat one day, sir, and the king knighted me on the
spot."
"I see," said William. "And you?" he asked another knight.
"What was your brave deed?"
"I escorted the queen to a ball, back when the king had an
attack of the gout. He knighted me for it."
"I see," said William. "How about you?" he asked another.
"Have you ever captured a dragon?"
"No, sir," answered the knight, "but I caught a boy
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